The Story Of You

1 + 1 + 1 + One More = 4

2012-02-09T12:14:00.000-08:00

December 15, 2011

So... it appears as though there is a very good possibility that the story of you is to be divided in two. 12 weeks ago today a child latched onto me and hasn't let go yet. Which of course means that there is a strong possibility, if this child decides to stay,that you are going to be a big brother. Despite being excited there remains a part of me that is very sad for us. Us, being, you and I. You are going to have to sacrifice a lot of your time with me for your little brother or sister. I may not be able to cuddleyou to sleep at night, or snuggle up on the couch with you and watch Elmo and Toy Story, carry you about the house when you are feeling sick or just grumpy. There are so many special moments that I cherish with you that I'm terrified to give up. Apparentlythis is a common fear mothers have. And then baby number two is born and you always find a way to find special moments with baby number one. I just don't want you to feel neglected, or sad, or second best. I'm also very excited for you! I little sibling! Someoneto play castle with, build forts, hide and seek, a camping companion, a bath tub buddy, someone to hide under the covers with when it's storming outside, collect bugs in a jar with, bike rides, and god knows what else.

Naked and Loving It

2012-02-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

Aug. 18 2011

We started potty training you at 8 months. It was nothing serious I just thought that the earlier I introduced it the easier it would be when you were ready. Turns out you loved the potty! You peed on it every single time I put you on. You would even do thesign language for it and giggle while you were on. But then the dreaded teeth started to come in at 10 months and you lost all interest in the potty.

Recently I noticed that you don't give any warning or sign like most toddlers would as to when you might be relieving yourself in your diaper. How was I supposed to stop you mid way and put you on the potty to teach you, if I had no way of knowing when youwere going?! So off came the diaper. I couldn't mistake your actions now! There was a few times where I was walking from the living room to the kitchen that I would step in a warm puddle while on my way to check on dinner, but most of the time if you'd peeyou stop to splash around in it. So most of the time I knew where the puddles were before the ghastly surprise of warm liquid soaking through my socks.

Eventually you started to understand the sensation of having to pee and that you shouldn't just let it go where ever you were. So as you were about to aim a stream of pee at one of the kitchen floor tiles you'd yell "pee pee!" and then let it rip. That keptme on my toes. I'd sprint over to you, cut you off mid stream and plop you on the potty. You didn't always like that but for the most part you were pretty accepting of it.

It didn't take long before you were grabbing my hand and dragging me to the bathroom while saying "pee pee?" When ever you did this your daddy would get overly excited and hoot and holler "YAY!!!!! PEE PEE JACKSON!! YAY PEE PEE!" I understand that he's tryingto give you positive reinforcement but man is he loud. If ever you join a sport I already feel for you dude. Your daddy is going to be the loudest parent on the bleachers and I hope for your sake that you're not easily embarrassed although by then I'm sureyou'll be used to his boisterousness. Be proud, he adores everything about you. He really is your biggest fan.

Anyways, back on the potty track! So basically we have you completely naked when you are at home. You like it best that way. Most of the time you know not to pee where ever, when ever. But you've recently rejected the potty and will only pee in the bath tub.It's a start though. Better the bath tub then my bed. Which has happened on occasion. I usually find out when you grab my hand and pull me toward daddy's and my bed room while saying "OH no!" and pointing at the large wet spot in the middle of my comforter.

Regardless I think you are doing pretty good. It's a long journey but we're patient and having fun with it. We just bought you a new potty, because you rejected the last one. The dog chewed up the seat of it and the new seat we bought never quite fit properly.You seem to like the new one. And we coax you with chips. You are a chip monkey. You'll do just about anything for a chip. I hid a bag of them in the bathroom cupboard and you managed to prop your potty up against the wall and open the cupboard, step up onthe potty, tippy toes and all and grabbed the chip bag, dragged it out to the living room, sat down in front of the TV with it and watched cartoons. Your father didn't even notice. I just watched and laughed. You're so cute.

Growing Up

2012-02-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

August 15, 2011

Almost a year has gone by and a million changes have happened while you've been busy growing. You started day care with a wonderful woman named Valentine Reid. Your grandma Jane used to know her through working at Sears. Turnsout that Val is married to a long time friend of mine named Darren. Which I can't even begin to tell you how comforting that was to me. Sending you to day care while I went off to work was tearing me up inside. Since I was a small child my plan was always tostay home and raise my children. I strongly believe a lot of what is wrong with kids today and society as a whole is the fact that parents are not raising their kids. Day cares are raising children and then when parents get home, start dinner, eat dinner, cleanup after dinner there isn't much time left before the kids have to go to bed. So out of guilt parents don't seem to be parents to their kids. They act more like buddies, and give them everything they want to keep them happy because they don't want the littleamount of time they do have with them to be spent doing homework, or grounding them for misbehaving, they want to have fun with them. But instead, kids are growing up to be selfish, rude little punks. SO naturally I didn't want that for you, and was hell benton staying home with you. But life gets in the way of the plans you make for yourself sometimes.

We want a better house for you, with more room to play, and maybe another room for a little brother or sister one day. A nice basement for slumber parties and a play room, A better back yard and a nicer area for schools and parks to play in. A better life ingeneral. Which meant I had to go back to work and make more money. So off to day care you went.

You were a champ. And Val loved you in an instant. You had a hard time letting go of me when we got to her house and sometimes would cry for a short period of time. But Val wold cuddle you and talk softly and lovingly and soon enough you realized that you'dbe safe with her and that she'd be able to comfort you like I do. Val has 2 little girls as well that you seem to really like. Rachelle is 7 and Ava is 4, and wow, do they adore you! She also takes care of 2 other little girls who are the same age as you, Jaydenand . Apparently the 3 of you like to have afternoon dance parties to Michael Jackson or Justin Beiber.

You are quite the dance machine. You have the zaniest dance moves and I have NO idea where you get them from. You'll do a quick side shuffle, back and forth, back and forth then suddenly bend forward and STOP!, pause, turn your head slowly to glance over yourshoulder to give us a dramatic look, then smile. All the while your arms are bent with your fists in your arm pits like you are doing the chicken dance and POP you're back doing the side shuffle. I love it. I could watch you dance for hours. I keep tellingyour daddy that I'm putting you in dance lessons. It'll pay off one day. Men who can dance are always popular with the ladies. And if you don't like ladies it works both ways.

Catching Up

2012-02-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

October 15, 2010

It's been so long since I've recorded anything about you here. So much got in the way. Lack of sleep for starters. And then there was that ridiculous competition that your father and I entered for a $100,000. wedding. Aunt Laura sent us an e-mail regarding a competition for a wedding that she suggested we give a spin to see what happens. So, we decided to give a shot and see how far we could go to win a popularity competition. Lets just say that out of 177 couples we remained number one in popularity. We managed to make the top 3 and once that occurred we were asked to come in and sign some papers that spelled out the winnings of the competition.

Basically after 2 months of insanity, hard work, sleep deprived nights and the constant harassment of everyone we know we finally found out what we were killing ourselves over. We were told it was a dream wedding. It wasn't. Not even close. There was no meal, no seating, no choice in decor or fashion, the dress was rented, the bar was cash, and most importantly we were told you were not allowed to be there. And that was when we signed off. There was no point what so ever to continue with a competition for a wedding that would not allow the very reason we wanted to marry. We want to be a complete family. One that shares the same last name, and a single moment in time where we swear before the world that we will cherish, love and protect each other come what may. If you couldn't be a part of it then what was the point? I know just as well as the next person that the ceremony of matrimony is just that, a sweet little ceremony, with a very romantic gesture of love. However the ceremony is not what makes a marriage. Two people who dedicate their lives to each other, to offer unconditional love, support, friendship and trust is what makes a marriage. Lets be honest, you don't need a ceremony for that or a certificate from the government stating that they recognize you as a married couple.

The competition judging panel reassured us that they would do their best to accommodate you once they saw that we were about to walk away from it all but our bubble was already deflated by that point. We stopped campaigning to win after that. We took 3 steps back and let the couple who really wanted the wedding to win. But I lost 2 months of my life and yours for that competition.

Something good did however come out of all the time I spent on the computer away from you, campaigning to win. You became very self sufficient. Where as before you were very clinging and stuck to my hip, you learned that you could trot about the house on your knees and palms, gabbing away to yourself and functioning just fine without me.

Your favourite things are my paint brushes. Every day, several times a day, you find my jar of brushes, removed each one individually, test each one for a proper fit, pick out your favourite (it's always the same one, the red long stem fan brush) and you wobble about the house brushing, dusting or perhaps painting the walls, the floors, the furniture and the dog for several hours.

Your love for brushes has since been replaced for your love of cars. You love cars. Daddy comes home from work every day, whisks you up in his arms and carries you away for some good 'ol daddy, son entertainment. You have a little fisher price toy barn that opens up much the same way a lunch box would, inside the barn is a cow, a sheep, a tractor, a farmer and some fencing. Every time your daddy would get the tractor he would drive it over the floor and make a rumbling sound by vibrating his lips together. It took you a day to learn that sound and since then you drive anything and everything around the house and up the walls as though it were a car, whilst making engine noises. It doesn't seem to matter if it's a vehicle or not. For example, you'll take my computer mouse around the house and drive it up and down the kitchen cabinets as though it were a Porsche. The only problem with that is that when ever I need my mouse I can't ever seem to find it.

Sleep or Lack There Of

2012-02-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

8 months 4 weeks

You've changed so much in the past few weeks. You hair has gone from brown and wavy to blonde and straight. You're losing your chubby cheeks and getting the face of a little boy which is completely devastating to me! It's so tormenting to see your child grow so fast. It's exciting to see you learn and grow but then at the very same time it wreaks havoc on your heart to know that you will never be that little baby again. It's such an odd thing to process. To constantly be happy and sad all at the same time? No wonder parents go grey.

So I don't mean to brag at all but I'm pretty sure you're the single most beautiful creature in existence. You are so calm and laid back. People comment all the time on what a good baby you are. I've had women at cash registers after I have paid for my items that they rang in for me, look at me with shock as I bend over and pick your carrier up off the ground, and say "You have a baby with you?! He didn't make a sound!" It's true, you are very well mannered. Just a sweet little boy, who's completely content on hanging out and taking in the scenery.

There is one thing however about you that is less then perfect. You don't sleep well at night. It drives me nuts how many people ask me "Is he a good sleeper?" NO! No he's NOT a good sleeper, thank you for asking! Should he be a good sleeper?! He's a baby after all! Do babies sleep?! by the way, if they do it would be in your best interest at this moment to lie and tell me they don't! Grrrrrrr! No, you are not a good sleeper. There was a time you would get 5 - 6 hours straight then wake up to feed and sleep for another 2 or 3 hours. BUT now that you are learning more, and able to do more, I'm fairly certain you have a very difficult time shutting things out and relaxing long enough to sleep, because now you wake up ever 2 hours or less. Thank god for coffee is all I have to say.

I've learned to trick you back into sleep though. As soon as you start to stir I run to the kitchen, grab the maple syrup, dab your soother in it and stuff it into your mouth. You're distracted by the yummyness long enough to get you to relax again and pass back out. I'm sure however, the sugar in the syrup is counter productive. But I'm yet to find an alternate solution that works as well.

You've learned to crawl in the past two weeks. It's kind of a weird little crab crawl. You use a multitude of maneuvers to get yourself mobile which propel you forward but make you look a little like a crab.

I started to put you on the potty to pee. Most people think I'm insane for trying so early to potty train you but I think you're smart enough to figure it out. The very first time I put you on you peed. And you've been peeing on it since. My mother told me that your uncle Steve and I were potty train by the time we were one and all she did was put us on the toilette every time we woke up or looked like we were relieving ourselves. So I decided to try it with you, and amazingly enough you are pretty good at it. If you don't have to pee you shake your head no and lean forward to wrap your arms around my neck to get down. And if you need to pee you sit there contently and pee. Your favourite part is flushing the toilette and shutting the toilette seat. Today you even mimicked me and grabbed the toilette paper out of my hands and pushed it over your peter to wipe your self dry. Hahahaha! I was so excited to see you do that! You are so smart! I had NO idea how intelligent babies could be. You blow my mind every day.

Today you learned how to wave bye bye and clap. It hardly takes you any time at all to do new things. We barely spent any time teaching you those two things. But today you hung out with Ryleigh who knows how to clap and wave and apparently you decided that if Ryleigh can do it then so can you. Auntie Megan said that today after seeing you, Ryleigh is now crawling like a crab too. Looks like the two of you learn a lot from each other. I'm already dreading the many things you'll be teaching each other that are better left untaught! Like shoving things down the toilette and watching them flush.

Purees, Vaccinations and Execersausers!

2012-02-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

7 Months

It drives me nuts that I'm missing so many things that I should be writing down but I just don't have the time!, that or, I forget to. I shouldn't admit that to you! But sometimes sleep is more alluring then my garish computer screen. Let's see.... Well you've been sitting up on your own for over a month now. You saw Ryleigh do it one day and decided that you could do it too. Within 2 days of seeing her sit on her own you were also sitting on your own. Of course you couldn't sit up for longer then 2 seconds before flopping over on your side, but it didn't take you long to master it.

You love to eat Avocados, Bananas, Sweet potatoes, Parsnips, Carrots and Banana Rice cereal. You however hate pretty much everything else. But I just can bring myself to believe that you don't like fruit. Especially apple sauce! So I keep trying and you very calmly refusing to eat it. I'll manage to get the first spoon full in. That's when you give me a look of disappointment mixed with mild disgust, and after that your lips are sealed. There is no way you will let another spoon full past your lips. In a desperate attempt to immaturely show you how very wrong you are I take your spoon and I eat the entire contents in front of you while Mmmmmming and Yummmming in your face. You however don't seem to care that I'm enjoying your food.

I took you last Wednesday to get your second set of vaccinations. This time I was much braver then last and went with out the aid of your father. The Dr. was so impressed with your mild mannerisms and contentment. But you were naked and in a new room. That's all it really takes to keep you happy. Hopefully by the time you are 10 you'll have grown out of that. I'd hate for the neighbors to call me one afternoon to tell me that my son is lounging in their computer room nude with a giant grin of contentment on his face. Your grin turned to disappointment when the Dr. and nurse inserted their needles in your upper thighs though. You looked calmly at one, then turned your head calmly to the other and within seconds of your accusing glare your entire head turned red and you let out a scream of rage. But I was prepared. I took your soother, dipped it in maple syrup, and inserted it rapidly into your mouth causing instant relief. You love maple syrup. I wonder if when you are older and your back hurts from working hard in the yard you'll have a sudden craving for maple syrup? I give it to you when ever you are so upset that I can't calm you.

After your Dr.s appointment I took you to Toys R Us to buy you and excersaucer for being such a good boy. It took me 2 hours to put it together. You sat next to me on the floor while handling the pieces and smashing them on the floor. It is now your favourite toy. And really how could it not be? It's a circle of crazy flashing, noisy jungle fun!

There is so much more but I'm too tired to remember any of it so I'm going to go to bed. When I see you in the morning I"m sure I'll remember the rest and I'll be back to write it down for you.

Toxic Baby Products

2011-11-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping that by the time you grow up and have your own children that the products available to you far surpass the products on the shelves today. As it stands now the main focus on products sold to consumers today is based on making money and not so much on the safety of our health and/or our environment. I found out today that the Huggies diaper wipes I have been using faithfully on your tooshie, have cancer causing toxins, gender bending toxins, and immunotoxic chemicals and have a health hazard rating of 8 out of 10. I'm livid. Those wipes are being trashed and from today on I will be making my own products for you. I have an unrelenting need to give you the best life you can have and that starts with your health. SO, I found myself some great do it yourself recipes for baby products.

All Natural Baby Wipes
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup Aloe Vera Juice
• 1 tablespoon Apple Cider Vinegar
• 1 tablespoon Calendula Oil
• 1 teaspoon grated, unscented vegetable glycerine soap
• 2 drops Lavender Essential Oil
• 2 drops Tea Tree Oil

Mix together and pour over paper towels. Place in a sealable container.

Baby Powder
½ cup corn starch
½ cup Arrowroot powder
1 tablespoon dried ground chamomile
1 tablespoon dried ground lavender
¼ cup finely ground oats
Blend well and put in a shaker style bottle.

Baby Bath Milk
1 cup milk
¼ cup corn starch
¼ cup finely ground oats
2-3 drops lavender, rose, or chamomile essential oils

Mix ingredients together and put in a shaker style bottle. To use, sprinkle a small amount in warm bath water.

Baby Oil

1 cup Grapeseed or Apricot Kernel oil
4-6 drops lavender or chamomile essential oils
1-2 vitamin E capsules (optional)

Squeeze the vitamin E capsules into the oils and mix together. Store in a dark colored bottle and use as a bath or massage oil.

Rice Cereal Sucks

2011-06-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

24 weeks

WOW, you are developing so rapidly. So many things are changing. You can sit up all on your own. You finally learned to use your Jolly Jumper for something other then standing in and watching your drool fall slowly to the ground. You scream loudly every time you get excited, you drink from my mug, and the biggest change of all is the eating of solids!

According to everyone you talk to at 6 months of age I am supposed to introduce you to rice cereal. It is supposed to be the easiest to digest and the least likely to create an allergic reaction. You however HATE IT! You were so excited to see that I had a spoon full of food that was actually coming toward your mouth, you wiggled and opened your mouth wide for me and then as soon as the spoon was out you were grimacing in disgust. If I didn't know better I would have sworn I just shoved a spoon full of cough syrup into your mouth. I tried over and over but the look on your face never changed. Your father and I concluded that maybe you just were not ready for solid food. Maybe you didn't like the texture yet. Maybe you needed to get used to it.

So we waited another 2 weeks and tried again only to find you had not changed your mind. You definitely did not like rice cereal. So I looked it up on line and found out that there is no reason why I should have to feed you rice cereal. In fact I found out that maybe I shouldn't. I found research that stated that grains were too complex a carbohydrate for your young intestines and that I should really be feeding you simple carbs. I also read that rice cereal is over processed and full of preservatives that are not good for you. And then I found out that bananas, avocados, and sweet potatoes are what I should be feeding you. So off I went to Canadian Tire to buy you a Magic Bullet to help me make my own food for you. Turns out you love all three of those foods! YAY!!!! I'm so excited. You don't like blueberries or pears though. Which brings me to the conclusion that you don't like the granular texture of those foods, which also explains the rice cereal.

There is only one thing that upsets me about all of this and it's the same thing that upsets you. Your poop has changed. Not only is it a solid little turd in your diaper, it stinks, and it seems to hurt your little bum hole coming out. You scream out in pain every time it comes out and then I have to sooth and comfort you. I feel so terrible when it happens. So I'm only feeding you breakfast and dinner. Every other time is breast milk, that way you have more time to get used to your newly sized doo doos.

Sleep Success

2011-06-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

21 weeks

Have I ever told you how proud I am of you? Not likely at this point in your life I suppose. But I am. I am so proud of you. You are so smart. It took no time at all for you to realize that when I put you in your crib at night that you need to fall asleep on your own. You've never had to before. You've always been lulled to sleep by either your father or I. But the very first time I decided you needed to try it on your own you did it. No tears, no fits, no drama. I almost cried I was so proud of you. I was warned by so many that you would cry for hours and I told them "No he won't. I will not leave him to cry." And I didn't. You started to fuss and I stayed with you for as long as it took for you to understand that I was not going anywhere until you were sound asleep. You woke up the first time to cry, but only make sure I hadn't abandoned you. After that you did great. It's been a week and you've been sleeping all by yourself the entire week. I am amazed at how well you've done. We have you on a very strict routine.

7:30 - Naked fun time. This is when we strip you down to your diaper and we play until you are screaming with delight. You really like being in just your diaper. So much so, that your father and I may need to start wearing ear plugs during this time just to save our hearing.

8:00 - Bath time

8:15 - dry, massage, put Pj's on, swaddle

8:30 - Feeding

8:45 - Story time

9:00 - Bed time.

It works like a charm.

Always At Your Side

2011-06-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

20 Weeks

I can't be positive, but I"m pretty sure you and I hit a milestone today. You fell asleep in my arms while I fed you tonight, just like every night, only tonight when I went to place you in your crib and tuck you in you woke up. So I turned on your little Fisher Price Aquarium, gave you your soother and let you try to fall asleep on your own. It took you about 45 minutes but eventually you did it! I was so proud of you. You didn't even cry once. I went in to check on you 3 times to give you a little cuddle and put your soother back in your mouth. You tried to pull my glasses off of my face and squeeze my nose, but you stayed calm and content.

Just as I closed your bedroom door and got ready to settle in for the night you woke up and started to cry. So I went back to check on you, hoping to put your soother back in your mouth and lull you back to sleep but you weren't interested in that. You wanted to be cuddled. I tried to get you to calm down with out taking you out of your crib but your protest became louder and louder and of course I gave in. When you realized I was only going to rock you to sleep the little hell raiser came out. Screams of such volume and magnitude came bursting from your lungs that I'm certain you could have cracked the glass window pane.

Your back arched and arms thrashing about made it difficult to hold you let alone comfort you. Eventually you just wound up making me angry so I laid you back down into your crib and turned on your mobile to calm you. It didn't work. I let you holler it out. You shouted profanities at me, the walls, your aquarium and the blanket but we didn't break. That however did not discourage you.

After 14 minutes I broke. You won. I picked you up and cuddled you under my chin and you calmed down. I laid you back down and you remained calm for 5 minutes or so until you realized again that I expected you to fall asleep. The protests and screams of nastiness commenced once again. Once again I let you yell at me until I couldn't handle it any longer and cuddled you under my chin again. You calmed once again and once again I laid you back down, only this time I rolled you on your side, wrapped you up tight and gave you your soother. Your eyes rolled back into your head, sucked on your soother 3 times and passed out.

Hmmmm I may have to try that again tomorrow. Soon you will be able to fall asleep all by yourself. But I"ll be dammed if I walk away and let you cry for hours on your own to let you learn it by yourself. I'm told that's how you teach a baby to sleep. Sounds like torture to me. How can you leave a baby who can't do anything but suck, poop and cry on it's own, to cry for hours wondering why the only person in the world who he trusts won't come when he calls. What goes through that babies mind when the person it depends on for everything doesn't come when he is in distress? Does he think that that person has left him? That that person is hurt and can't come? Does it think that it's going to die because the only person that can take care of him, isn't coming back? How stressful! The baby doesn't understand. All it knows is that when it calls for it's mom, his mom comes and takes care of him. I can't walk away and let you cry yourself to sleep. I need you to know that I'm there and that even though you're upset I won't leave until you are comfortable. And I hope that you grow up always knowing that I'm here for you. No matter how hard it is, I'm here to hold your hand, to comfort you and to sooth you through the tough parts of life. I will NEVER leave your side.

Baby x 2

2011-04-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

19 Weeks

This past week you and I have been waking up at 5:30 AM to get ready and take off to Uncle Steve's and Auntie Megan's house to watch your cousin Ryleigh. Grandpa was going to do it but he got offered a job at Dofasco so he asked if we would mind taking that responsibility. And of course we, with some apprehension but not much, accepted the honour. Much to my surprise watching the both of you was the best time I've had in a long time. Ryleigh is very independent and doesn't mind playing on her own as long as we're there to keep her company. You on the other hand would rather be held close and watch her play. But by the end of the week I could tell that you were beginning to catch on to Ryleigh's independence. You decided it was time to try sitting on your own, and much to my surprise you're pretty good at it. You can hold your self up for longer then I would have expected for your first time. You're wanting to stand more, and you seem to be noticing now that other people, including Ryleigh are putting food in their mouths with utensils and not boobies. Ryleigh is very vocal about how yummy her food is, and every time she gets a spoon full and says "Mmmmmm" you, standing in her exersaucer, lean in as close as you can, lips puckered together, neck pushing forward and say "mmmmmmmm" in unison. It's pretty darn cute.

Creepy Baby Eyes

2010-10-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

18 Weeks

There's been lots of changes this week. The most noticeable of them all is your eye hand coordination skills. You are now able to grab something with your hand and bring it to your mouth. I've been giving you your teething toys because you seem to like munching on things including your fingers.

There are times when you are trying your darnedest to fit both fists and your soother at the same time. Of course it hasn't worked out in your favour as of yet but that doesn't stop you from trying.

The other night I woke up to a very loud sucking noise but I was so exhausted I thought I must be dreaming it so I went right back to sleep. But the noise continued and my mind started to incorporate the noise into my dreams so once again I awoke. I looked around the bed room but there was nothing I could place the noise to. Not until I glanced over at the video monitor and saw you staring right at me. You were wide awake, fist in mouth, head cocked back ward to get a better look, and staring straight into the video camera in your crib. The loud sucking noise was you trying to inhale your hand through your mouth! It was so loud. But you were totally content just laying there staring at the camera, sucking away.

I woke your father up to watch the entertaining scene before me. The camera has a night option so it turns everything into shades of white and black. It's a little creepy sometimes, because your eyes are completely black with white centers. So of course you freaked your father out a little. He looked into the monitor and said "uh, that's really creepy. How does he know where the camera is and why is he looking at it!?" I was pretty sure that you were not actually staring at the camera because you knew we were on the other side. I'm fairly certain you were looking at the green light on the camera while entertaining yourself with your fingers. So there you were, fingers rammed into your mouth, staring at us with your creepy black eyes, whilst we stared back and low and behold you put yourself back to sleep! You went to sleep on your own! You have never done that! Babies don't know how to relax themselves and fall asleep. They have to be taught! But not you! I was so excited! Of course you haven't done it again since... but it's a start.

You graduated from your swimming class. You were so excited to be there the other day that while we were in the change room putting your bathing suit on you were giggling so loud a little girl in the next cubicle was laughing and telling her mom that there was a happy baby in the change room. Happy was an understatement.

I started you on a bed time schedule to help us all get to bed sooner and with as little anger and screaming as possible. You are getting increasingly vocal, let alone difficult about going to bed. So at 9:00 you have a nice long warm bath, followed by a massage, dressed in your PJ's, swaddled tight, fed and put to sleep. The first night was full of angry screams, the second night only a slight vocalisation of discontentment and every night since instant sleep. It's been great! You don't fight it any more. You feed, close your eyes and allow yourself to be rocked to sleep. Hopefully soon enough I will be able to just put you to bed and you'll fall asleep on your own. Speaking of sleep... I'm pooped!

Worked up Over Vaccinations

2010-09-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

17 weeks

In general the average newborn gets vaccinated at 8 weeks. You didn't. There seems to be more and more evidence building that vaccinations can cause autismn in some children, so naturally your father and I were apprehensive about getting you vaccinated. At the same time though if we don't get you vaccinated there is a chance you could catch a life threatening illness and we'd lose you all together. So I booked an appointment with the Dr. to have your first set of vaccinations.

Since then I haven't been able to rest my mind. I have nightmares people trying to take you from me, stomach aches, head aches and stress over the fact that you might not trust me again if I take you somewhere where I let people hurt you. You're appointment was yesterday, February 24 2010, and I made your father come with me to basically hold my hand. But you were happy and silly the whole time even when the nurses jabbed you with the needle, you mearly looked at them with slight distaste, made a sound of surprise, and then turned over to look at your daddy who made a silly face and you giggled.

That was it! All my stress and you giggled!

Of course later that night was a whole other story. It took me over an hour to get you to sleep. You cried and kicked, punched and fussed until finally you collapsed into a shallow slumber. And of course the olympics are going on right now and your father happened to be watching Russia and Canada battle it out on the hockey rink and shouted in excitement over Canada's goal, waking you up and angering me! It was touch and go after that. You woke up every hour needing to be held. So I didn't get a lot of sleep and either did you. I should be napping with you right now but I had to write this down.

You are becoming increasingly aware of your surroundings. I often think about how different you are. There was a point when suddenly you were not a baby to me any more. I can't quite pin it down but one day you were completely helpless and limp and then suddenly there was intelligence behind your eyes and I knew you were not a baby, you were a little boy learning how to use his body. To everyone else you're still a baby but I know better.

You grab onto things now and bring them to your face. You seem to like things that are soft or fluffy and you rub them against your cheeks. Everything else has the potential to be put in your mouth. You love shoving your blankets in your mouth, which is funny because my mother said I used to do the same thing when I was your age. You love to be wrapped up tight with your blanket high up to your face so you can snuggle in and fall asleep. But you're a little bit lazy. You have no interest in learning how to use your legs. Your father is a little concerned about that but I keep reassuring him that you will when you are ready. YOu're cousin Ryleigh has been standing practlcally on her own since she was 4 months so she is going to be dancing circles around you by the time summer comes. I think then you'll suddenly find the motivation to use your legs.

Time for me to go and get some sleep.

Love you.

2010-06-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

14 weeks

You're growing and changing at such an incredible rate. It seems so fast and yet so slow. It's so strange to experience sometimes. Your growing out of all your clothing before you even get to wear some of them. You have the cutest little baby boobies from all the baby fat you've packed on. You've discovered in the past 2 weeks that you have hands and how much you love to shove them into your mouth. You're hands are always covered in slimy saliva not to mention that you've stopped swallowing and have taken up drooling. So I'm constantly covered in baby dribble. Soon enough you will be grabbing at things. I can slowly see you developing the realization that you can hold things in your hands, only you haven't grasped how to go about doing it just yet. You do however grab your blankets and pull them up to your face. You love to snuggle up in your blankets when you're sleepy and when you pull them up to your face you smile and wiggle with contentment, which makes me laugh to myself because to this day I do the very same thing. There is nothing better then the feeling of jumping into a warm cozy bed while pulling your blankets up to your nose as you squirm about to get comfy and relax your muscles. You seem to share this same appreciation for blankets.

We've put you into swimming lessons once we realized how much you love the water. I would put you into the bath tub and you would toss your limbs around in every direction, leaving very little water in the tub and drenching me. So you've been in swimming lessons for 4 weeks now. You have cute little Hawaiian swimming trunks with palm trees on them. You are the youngest in the group and quite possibly the cutest. Daddy and I get in the pool with you and you thrash around while on your back, or you just lay there and relax while taking in the scenery. This past week we dunked you for the very first time. You came up with a very shocked look on your face while looking at me for comfort and if I hadn't been laughing at you and cheering you might have started to cry but seeing as daddy and I were so excited for you, you calmed down and realized everything was ok.

I'm always watching you. You fascinate me. Your giant blue eyes, soft pink cheeks, pouty little lips and long luscious eye lashes captivate me. I just want to squeeze you and smother you in kisses. I can tell already that I will try to bend the world to suit your fancy. I only want you to be happy. I've been told several times to keep you up all day so you will sleep all night. But you get so miserable when you are tired and my response to them is "I'd rather loose a few hours of sleep every night then have him be unhappy during the day because he's tired" Besides, I understand what it's like to be tired and unhappy. I'm not a happy camper when I'm lacking sleep. Ask your father... he'll verify that fact with ease. So you and I will be afternoon nappers. We'll sleep together, snuggled up with the blankets to our noses in the warmth of the afternoon sun and we'll love every minute of it.

Scary Raspberries

2010-06-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

12 weeks

It's so fascinating to watch you learn. We can actually see it happening. This past week you have been watching our mouths with increasing interest. When we talk to you, you often stare intently at our mouths to watch how they move. I started saying the word "tongue" followed by sticking my tongue out at you hoping you will understand what it is called. You now will stick your tongue back at me and smile boisterously. I've been trying to teach you to smile when I say "smile" but that is proving to be a little more difficult.

One day while propped up on my legs I started blowing raspberries in the air. The noise startle you so much that you jerked back wards in shock. Your eyes got big and wide, your eyebrows raised up and almost touched your hair line, and your mouth winced back with concern. I laughed so hard at you that my cheeks hurt, but you maintained your look of extreme concern for what had just came out of my mouth. Eventually when you saw how happy I was you loosened up and started laughing at me in silence. I wish you could see yourself do this. You open your mouth really wide and your head tosses back slightly while you cheeks bounce up and down. It's so friggin cute! Anyways, you were happy again so of course I couldn't help myself and made the raspberry sound again. "pfffbbbbbbbbtttttt!" My lips vibrated together as the are came rattling out from between them making loud tooting type noise and you smile vanished instantly, you tossed your self backward again, the look of shock plastered all over your face again and I burst out into laughter once again. We repeated this game a couple dozen times until you got used to it.

Now you watch and laugh while we make the noise and you're trying very hard to duplicate it on your own. The other day you started flipping your bottom lip back and forth making a little clicky noise. I encouraged you to continue and even played along with you so you knew that I had acknowledged your accomplishment. Then yesterday you did it! It was very brief and I'm not entirely sure you knew you did it properly but you did. You're so smart.

I Love Blanket

2010-05-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

14 weeks

You're growing and changing at such an incredible rate. It seems so fast and yet so slow. It's so strange to experience sometimes. Your growing out of all your clothing before you even get to wear some of them. You have the cutest little baby boobies from all the baby fat you've packed on. You've discovered in the past 2 weeks that you have hands and how much you love to shove them into your mouth. You're hands are always covered in slimy saliva not to mention that you've stopped swallowing and have taken up drooling. So I'm constantly covered in baby drool. Soon enough you will be grabbing at things. I can slowly see you developing the realization that you can hold things in your hands, only you haven't grasped how to go about doing it just yet. You do however grab your blankets and pull them up to your face. You love to snuggle up in your blankets when you're sleepy and when you pull them up to your face you smile and wiggle with contentment, which makes me laugh to myself because to this day I do the very same thing. There is nothing better then the feeling of jumping into a warm cozy bed while pulling your blankets up to your nose as you squirm about to get comfy and relax your muscles. You seem to share this same appreciation for blankets.

Couch Snuggling

2010-05-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

12 weeks

In the first couple of weeks of your life out side the womb you mostly slept with me. You were so little and so innocent I had a hard time with the idea of you sleeping in a room all by yourself. So you either slept in our bed between the two of us or on my chest while I slept on the couch. If you were inclined to stay asleep for longer then 15 minutes we would wrap you up tightly in a blue knit blanket that you received as a gift, and laid you down inside a u shaped pillow to protect you from being rolled on top of by your zombie of a father. (Seriously, that man could sleep through a hurricane) But our bed is only a double mattressed bed and you took up most of the room in the middle with that pillow, so we had to lay on our sides with our heads on either side of your pillow so we could see you clearly. We didn't mind though. There was no better way to wake up then to open your eyes to your new born son looking softly up at you as he starts to wake up because he's hungry.

As nice as that was it wasn't often that you slept well on your own. You had not adjusted yet to life outside the womb. So you were at your most comfortable laying face down on my chest where you could hear my heart beat and feel my body heat. I wasn't getting much sleep at that point due to the fact that you were waking up every hour to two hours to feed. So any opportunity that offered a solution to your staying asleep I jumped on it gladly. I willingly admit that I loved those nights. There is nothing better then curling up at night, snuggled and warm with your child who needs you, and for the first time ever, you need him.

NUTS!

2010-05-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

11 Weeks

It's 4:46 in the morning and I've just put you back to sleep. You're so perfect and sweet. I love staring down at you with your lips all curled into a pout while you periodically smile in your sleep. I often try to imagine what it is you could be dreaming about. I mean really? What could you possibly be dreaming about? Milk?

I have SO much i want to write down about you. So many things that I am terrified I will one day forget. Like how you are trying so hard to talk to me. You stick you little head in the air and stretch out your neck as far as you can so you look like a little turtle coming out of his shell and you purse your lips together and make the funniest little noises, but you're not just making noises for the sake of noises, you're really trying to tell me something. Your eyes will get big and wide and your eyebrows jump up and down to change your expression and if your telling me a happy story your lips will curl up at the ends into a silly little smile, but if it's a sad story your coos have a sad sound to them and your mouth turns down at the corners. So I pick you up to cuddle you because you seem to be trying to tell me that you're unhappy. And you lay your head on my shoulder while you continue your sad story and I pat your back and whisper softly that everything will be ok, and that I will always be here for you no matter what. And your sad cooing trails off and you drift off to sleep.

I think you might be allergic to nuts. Which really depresses me. Nuts are awesome! Especially peanut butter. If you can't have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or peanut butter cookies I will be so sad for you. Seems strange that I would know at 11 weeks of age if you have a food allergy but trust me there isn't much about you that I can't pick up on. I mean I spend every waking hour with you... sometimes every none waking hour. I had to stop feeding you at about 4 weeks of age, from my one breast because it was letting out milk WAY too fast and your poor little mouth couldn't keep up with it. You would gage and choke, milk would run down your face and I'd wonder why you were such a sloppy little eater. But soon enough you started crying and screaming for days. It occurred to me then that if I was drinking as fast as you were to keep up with the milk coming out that I would likely need to burp pretty badly after wards. But you're so new that you don't know how to get rid of the gas in your body so it would sit there and cause you a pretty bad tummy ache. So I started pumping out that breast and only feeding you from the right one. Of course the right breast became huge and the other stayed small so I looked pretty ridiculous but you were happier. I also stopped eating a bunch of foods that could cause you gas or discomfort.

I can't eat or drink milk products, I can't eat nuts or soy products, no spicy foods, no green vegetables, coffee, chocolate or citrus fruits. Basically all i eat is chicken, pears, bananas, bread and rice. Yum! Any ways, back to the nut allergy. I slowly started adding foods back into my diet to see if you could tolerate them at around 2 months. First I added nuts. Around that time you developed a really nasty rash on your face and were not sleeping well not to mention very irritable. I took you to the Dr. to find out what it was and he said it was just severely dry skin and to continue using the Shea butter that I had made for you and it should go away. I mentioned my theory about the nuts but he said it wasn't likely the cause of your rash. But I stopped eating them just in case. Sure enough the rash went away and your mood improved. So I thought... well he's the Dr. it must have been dry skin.

About a week ago I started eating nuts again, and your rash has returned and once again you've become irritable and unable to rest. It could be just coincidence but I have a very strong feeling that you are having an allergic reaction to the nuts. So I've cut them out of my diet once again. Keep your fingers crossed that I'm wrong. I'd hate for you to have any allergies. Especially to food. I want you to be able to do what ever you want, when ever you want without having to worry about getting sick because of it. My poor little mushroom. Oh... ya, i call you mushroom. It really seems to suit you.

No Sleep, No Time

2010-05-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've had a chance to write to you. I shouldn't even be doing this now. I really should be sleeping. I've been sick for the past couple of days and should be getting my rest while you sleep but I have so much to say to you and I need to write it down before it's too late and one day you'll be 38 and I'll be wishing I took the time to tell you just how much I adore you.

You are now 9 weeks and 3 days old. You are the most amazing human being I've ever encountered and you never cease to bring me more amazement every day. You've learned how to smile. It started slowly about 3 weeks before Christmas. It almost seemed like it happened by accident. I'm not sure you even knew what you were doing. I was talking to you, as I do every day, and suddenly your lips curled up on either end and your mouth opened wide into a grin. "Did you just smile at me?!" I asked you. And just as quickly as it came it was gone and you had your serious face on again. You're serious face is what you have on most of the time. It's what you look like when you are absorbing as much information as you can.

One day you woke up while sitting in your vibrating chair. I walked up to you, bent over to get closer to your face so you could see me better and asked you if you had a good sleep. Your whole face light up into a grin. Daddy and I spent the next 10 minutes talking to you while you laughed and tossed your arms around. You don't really have much control over them yet. I can honestly say that your smile is the most amazing thing we have ever seen. You daddy tells me often that he lives just to see that smile every day.

I've heard a million mothers tell me that the love you have for your children is like no love you will ever know or ever have for anyone else. I thought I understood what they meant. I didn't even come close to understanding until now. There are millions of people in this world and out of every one of them YOU are by far my favourite. Do you have any idea how huge that is?

You have this wonderful head of hair. I absolutely adore it. It's been my favourite thing since you came home. Every day I run my fingers through it. I used to rub it while you fed and now I rub it while I am putting you to sleep in your crib. As I slowly run my large fingers across your tiny little head I picture myself through out the coming years at different stages of your life where I'm still running my fingers through your hair. It sounds cheesy I know, but one day you'll be bigger, independent and strong. You won't want me touching you in a mothering way. Little boys grow up and they don't want their mother treating them like they're still babies, so every time I touch you I pray that I remember that moment, that time won't erase it, because you are changing so fast and I don't want to know a day when I can't run my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. So if you are reading this and you're not bald... you might want to make my day and let me play with your hair and kiss your forehead. Especially if you've been misbehaving... I might let it slide.

A Hell of A Ride

2009-11-25T02:16:00.000-08:00

There is so much to tell you and absolutely no time to write about it. So I'm going to sum it up as best I can.

1. October 28th came and went. October 29th came and went. October 30th came and you took your first breath.

2. I woke up Wednesday Oct. 28th in the evening to an increasing amount of pain in my abdomen. I was told to try and sleep through it but I was too excited not to mention hated being woken up to massive cramping every 5 - 10 minutes. I'm grumpy as it is when I wake up from a nice snooze. So i stayed up all night in front of the computer logging my contractions into an online computer program designed to track labor contractions.

By 4:00 in the morning Oct. 29th my contractions were 5 minutes apart so I called Kristin to let her know that she'd be spending a lot of time with me soon. She informed me that because I could actually talk to her during a contraction and sound even remotely pleasant that I was definitely not in active labor and would be by first thing that morning to check on me.

She arrived bright and early only to tell me I was 3cm dilated. So she went off to work and I got comfy on the couch and tried to sleep through the contractions. Easier said then done.

When Kristin came back, just after 5:00, I was 5cm dilated and I had started into the active labor portion of my labor. Your daddy had to follow me around the house in anticipation for my next contraction, because if I had one without him near I would lose my head. So he very graciously stayed near and would massage my head every time a contraction came. If he happened to be slow on the draw I took no time at all to vocalize my extreme discomfort in his tardiness. Needless to say he wasn't tardy too often.

3. Despite my growing discomfort and increasing contractions at 7:00 I was still only 5cm. So after long deliberation we agreed to break my water in hopes to increase the speed of my dilation. Lets just say, without the gory details, that the long blue crochet hook that was inserted to break the bag of water surrounding you was not my favourite moment of the evening. But when the water did break a warm gush of liquid came pouring out of me that felt great! But I knew that would be short lived. After your water breaks that's when the real pain begins. But I was ready for that! I had a giant trough full of hot water for me to soak in.

Picture our little kitchen with a giant animal troff in the middle of the floor, surrounded by chairs and a large pedestal fan, the dog, the cat, Kristin, and daddy standing around the troff. And a very rotund, pregnant me, buck naked, on all fours in the middle of the tub, breathing like the big bad wolf trying to blow the brick house down. My tub time was short lived though. Your heart rate shot up to 76 from 48 and I was forced out of the tub to bring your heart rate back down.

4. Our little labor party was taken to the couch in the living room where I slowly started to lose composure. It was around 9:30 and I hadn't slept since the night before last. I had only eaten yogurt and apple sauce and my energy, concentration, and emotions were starting to rage out of control. My contractions were getting the better of me and I couldn't get back into my comfort zone. I started to get panicky and finally after a couple of tries, convinced Daddy and Kristin that I needed to go to the hospital. At that point Kristin checked to see if I had dilated further upon which we discovered that I had not advanced past 5 cm and we all agreed that the hospital was a good idea. I needed some pain relief so I could rest for a bit and likely some Oxytocin to help advance my labor seeing as I had now been laboring for just over 24 hours at home.

5. I sat on the bed while your father frantically ran around the house trying to gather everything that may have been needed should we need to stay at the hospital. What a disaster that was. Cupboards were left ajar, drawers were opened with their contents tossed about the room, clothing was thrown about, bags, shoes, toiletries, were everywhere! I had only a house coat on so your dad had to help dress me. I didn't want to put on pants because of how uncomfortable they would have been, so as I sat on the bed, eyes closed in concentration, breathing deeply while fighting back contractions, I asked him to grab me one of my maternity dresses. He took out a tiny strapless summer party dress for me to wear. I took one look at it and through clenched teeth said " That will NOT fit me Kevin". Panicked your father replied "well I don't know! You're going to have to help me!" I couldn't help him. I couldn't move. It was taking all of my composure to hold it together. The pain was taking over my sanity. I was hardly able to contain my irritation, frustration and displeasure. He managed however to find me my grey Jersey knit dress which was thrown over my head, no bra, no undies and with no jacket, a pair of flip flops, a straw beach bag stuffed full of baby cloths and pj's we jumped into the van and headed to the hospital.

6. The car ride over to the hospital was a long one but a calm one as well. I had managed to gain control over pain again and my sanity returned.

7. Once arriving at the hospital your daddy grabbed me a wheel chair and pushed me to the elevator in the parking garaged where we met Kristin and rode up to the maternity ward to check ourselves in. We got a nice sized room to our selves and for a small period of time I was feeling pretty good. It wasn't until I had to get an intravenous that things got nasty again. It took almost 3 hours of waiting, needle jabbing and 4 nurses for someone to find a proper vein that would allow flow of fluids into my body in order to get an epidural inserted. 3 hours! I opted for the epidural because the drug wouldn't pass the blood barrier and effect you, only me. However I was worried that you would have trouble turning, that my labor would slow down, and that my hormones wouldn't increase and give you the happy ending that you deserved. But even after waiting for 3 hours I still hadn't dilated past 5 cm and I needed a rest. The benefits out weighed the negatives and the anaesthesiologist was called in to insert my epidural. Apparently it's supposed to be very uncomfortable. I didn't feel a thing.

8. Once the epidural was in my legs went numb and the sharpness of my contractions subsided. I couldn't even move my legs if I wanted to and trust me I tried but I was useless from the belly button down. I could still however feel my contractions. They were still quite uncomfortable but at least I was more relaxed and for the first time in hours could actually talk. Your father noted that it was nice to finally hear my voice and Kristin told me it was nice to see my eyes. I guess I had had them shut for the past 12 hours or so. Once I was able to see I glanced over at the cupboards on the wall and noticed the labeling on the door said "Jackson". I asked your father if I was seeing things and what it really said. He informed me that it said "Jackson Forceps" I smiled and told him that it was a sign.

9. Kristin took my IV and added oxytosin to my drip which is used to increase my contractions and sped up my labour in hopes that I would dilate more. Oxytosin causes more pain. But with the epidural I hardly noticed and managed to get a small amount of sleep. But my new found comfort was short lived once the epidural started to ware off and the oxytocin was continuously increased.

10. The sharpness of my contractions slowly started to return and I still hadn't dilated past 8cm. Kristin had to leave after labouring with me for 18 hours. She was exhausted and needed someone whom was well rested to come in and take over the reigns. So Elizabeth my other midwife came to the rescue. Elizabeth was new to the midwife profession though and due to the fact that I wasn't having a simple labour she called in Jackie to assist. They continued to raise my oxytocin, and of course my epidural drip was no longer working. The machine kept beeping to tell the midwives that it needed tending to but nothing they did made it stop beeping. After about an hour they seemed to figure it out but I could tell that I wasn't getting the drugs properly any more. I was really uncomfortable at this point. My body was telling me to push you out. It's the weirdest thing, suddenly a contraction comes and every muscle in your abdomen abandons you and starts functioning on it's own accord. A unbelievable pushing sensation takes over you and you have no choice but to push as though you were trying to have the largest poop you've ever taken in your entire life. Only because I wasn't dilated fully I was instructed not to push. If I pushed I could tear my cervix. So i had to fight every contraction for over 3 hours! It was by far the worst part of labour.

That was when Jackie decided to push things further along and brought in the BIRTHING STOOL! It is this short chair with most of the seat cut out of it that I'm supposed to sit on. It causes gravity to pull the baby down further thus opening my birthing canal and dilating my cervix to let you out! It worked. You dropped further down the birthing canal and after 20 minutes of pushing I was able to lay back down and push normally.

11. I pushed for about 3 hours before you were ready to emerge. I was about ready to give up at that point. I was exhausted, delirious, hungry and starting to get very angry at Jackie who was physically opening the birthing canal with her hands to help you through. I actually yelled at her to take her hands out. But she was feisty and yelled back. That was when she told me very firmly that you were close, and that I had to push harder because there was NO way she was going to let this labour end in a c-section. She then told me that if I worked really hard that you would arrive in 15 minutes. That was all I needed to hear. I hunkered down and gave it my all. Your father said he's never seen me work so hard.

12. There I was on my back, your father holding my left leg, Jackie holding my right and Elizabeth waiting in the middle to catch you when you popped out, all yelling "COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!" I couldn't help myself, I just started to laugh. I had my own personal cheer leading squad hollering at me and motivating me to push a cantaloupe through a worm hole. That takes a lot of motivation but they did it! I was so determined that I pushed you out and tore open a small tear in my perineum. And I didn't care. Your head was crowning, they all wanted to get me a mirror so I could see you coming. I yelled no. Then they tried to get me to touch your head so I could feel you with my hands so I knew how close you were but I pulled away. I was on a mission and they were distracting me with details. I yelled at them to stop distracting me, I needed to concentrate or my motivation would dwindle. They understood and grabbed on tight to my legs as I heaved one more time and pushed your head through.

13. The second your head was out I was done. All my muscles relaxed, I laid back and I turned off. Elizabeth was feeling around your neck to see if your umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck and she seemed concerned but I was fine. Your daddy was stressing. He saw the look of concern on Elizabeth's face with made his pulse race. Jackie asked what was up and Elizabeth only said "Shoulder" I knew what that meant. It meant that your shoulder was stuck under my pelvic bone. Which meant that if I pushed while you were stuck that I could break your collar bone, cause nerve damage or even dislocate your shoulder. I wasn't concerned though. I knew I wasn't going to push. If they wanted you out any time soon they could pull you out themselves. I was content that your head was out and that you were alive.

14. However my midwives were far more concerned. Jackie ran to the wall and ripped out the alarm, instantly the room was filled with nurses and Obstetricians coming to your aid. One of them asked what was wrong and Elizabeth said one word "shoulder", and with that they all ran to my side. One ran to my left, one to my right, and started heaving down on my stomach trying to dislodge you, others were holding my legs, someone was watching your head and other stood waiting near by to help. The entire time I remained calm, I had absolutely no concern what so ever that you were not ok. Your father however told me later that he was panicking. In four minutes of organized chaos you slid out and were placed on my tummy. You laid there silent and stunned, barely moving while I caressed your back up and down feeling your skin under my hand for the very first time. It was so peaceful, but I was so tired. All I wanted to do was pick you up and nuzzle you to my face but I couldn't move. That's when the Dr's took you away to examine you to make sure you were ok. That was when Elizabeth said "They are just going to check him over and make sure he's ok" and with that we knew you were a boy.

Your daddy looked at me and I smiled. "We have a Jackson" I said. Your daddy grabbed my hand and started to cry.

They put you under a warm light and laid you there while they watched you move and breath. They were smelling you to see if you had an infection that may have set in for being in the birthing canal for so long. They thought you were having difficulty breathing and that you had an odd odor. This angered Jackie. This panicked your father. He walked right up to them, stuck his nose into their business and said "Is everything ok?" Jackie explained that if they decided something was wrong they would take you away and perform a series of uncomfortable tests on you that we wanted to avoid. So the longer they had you the angrier she became. She was sure that your breathing was caused by stress and that you needed me. So she waltzed up to them and took you away, tucked you under my blankets and onto my chest where we snuggled up and got cozy. You calmed down and started to coo to me. I was still so exhausted but I've never been so proud in all my life. I had a son. And he was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

While all the bonding, happy, lovey dovey stuff was happening... down below things were still not right. Elizabeth and Jackie were trying to stitch me up with out any anesthetic so I complained. They seemed to think that my epidural wasn't really worn off and that maybe I was just being over sensitive until I explained to them that I could feel metal clamps that were piercing me and a needle being inserted into my skin. So they gave me a local anesthetic with helped a bit. That is until my placenta didn't come out and that cause a whole new heap load of issues.

To shorten this story somewhat, it didn't come out, but it has to or I could hemorrhage and bleed to death or get some sort of blood poisoning. They had to go in manually to remove it which in some ways was worse then labor. My body was just not meant to have to hands inside it tearing around, removing organs. After 45 minutes, and 3 different people, it was finally out. BUT they ripped my stitched and had to stitch me up again. The entire time all I could think of was "For real? Is this really happening to me?!"

Your father managed to escape into the waiting room where my parents were waiting anxiously wondering if we were all ok. They were not allowed in due to a swine flue (H1N1) out break. He showed them pictures of you that he had taken on his cell phone and once they were certain all was well went home for the night.

We had to stay at the hospital for observation over night to make sure I didn't develop an infection. Finally they let us go to our room. They gave us a giant room with two beds. We watched you most of the night until we collapsed in my bed while watching TV. Your father got up sometime in the middle of the night to sleep on the pull out couch beside my bed. You kept waking up so I cradled you in my arms for the remainder of the night while I watched you sleep. It was the most amazing night I'd ever had.

The next morning Kristin came to look you over and make sure that everything was ok, to let us go home. We packed you up and realized that daddy still hadn't hooked up the car seat in the van. So we called my parents to come and get us. They greeted us at the front door with a giant green frog for you and lots of hugs. And off we went to your new home for the fist time as a family.

The Begining

2009-10-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

Shhhh.... don't tell anyone but today is the day I predicted you would be here and today is the day that my contractions really started. I'm timing them now, and they are about 20 minutes apart and are lasting about 50 seconds. I have to wait until they are about 5 minutes apart and lasting for 60 seconds so it could be a while yet... but it's a start. I'm not telling anyone yet though. That's all I need! More phone calls... hahaha.

I must admit these contractions are not what I was expecting. They don't feel nearly as painful as my miscarriage contractions were, but they are much more uncomfortable. My tummy tightens right up and takes on an almost squarish shape from my view, and it feels like you are pushing down hard on my colon. Which is not cool! I want my intestines left out of this. They've been through enough torture over my life span and I've recently found a way to keep them and me happy. Do we have to relive the past? Really?

I was born with intestinal issues which grew to major issues the older I became. They caused me a great deal of pain, discomfort, and tears over the years. So much so that I couldn't walk or breath at times. However I did gain an unnatural tolerance for pain. About 3 years ago a supplement called Greens Plus was introduced to me and ever since then I can honestly say I've been cured. No pain. No tears. But the pain I experienced for so long has given me great faith in the fact that I can get through labor with little to no problems. And so far I can say I'd prefer labor. But right now I get a 20 minute break in between the pain. So really, how is that comparable. Wish me luck!

Waiting

2009-10-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

It is officially 3 days away from your due date and so far everyone is driving me nuts. The phone doesn't stop ringing, the e-maill messages keep pouring in and the drop in visits have begun. And I'm exhausted. I sleep all day. Which I can do, because I'm on vacation! Yet every time I try the phone rings, and then rings again, and then again... and again. I yell profanities at it and yet it doesn't stop. So I turned the ringer off and left a message telling everyone that I need some peace and quiet. So now they are calling your Daddy and driving him nuts.

Why so many calls? Do people seriously think that we wouldn't tell them if you had arrived? Do they not understand that your name will be shouted from roof tops at all hours of the morning, and that NO one will sleep until everyone knows that the sweetest child ever to exist has finally graced us with it's presence? Seriously?! I don't mean to be rude, but, Leave us alone! lol... I mean, there's such thing as showing interest and concern but EVERY SINGLE DAY!? sometimes multiple times a day? It's getting to be a little bit much... Mostly because it's a reminder of just HOW pregnant I am and how uncomfortable I'm getting. Just let us live in a bubble of quiet for now, because it won't last. Not to mention, I'm fairly confident that you are going to be at least another week. And a week more of obsessive phone calls is hard to take patiently. ;) On the positive side, people are obviously excited that you are coming...

But I need to be left alone. I'm creating a bubble of calm. I need to be calm, unstressed and confident to get through your eagerly awaited arrival. I need to be mentally prepared or I'll crack from fear. There is no room for fear here in my bubble. I have only room for excitement and solitude. The key to getting through labor naturally is completely believing in the fact that you can do it. And due to the fact that you don't seem eager to leave your warm room under my lungs I get nervous that you will be late and I will have to be induced. The word induced means only one thing to me, PAIN. So no STRESS! And anytime you want to come out that would be great!

The Reason I Don't Sleep At Night

2009-10-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

I don't sleep well at night any more. I'm pretty sure I know the reason why. It appears that someone else isn't sleeping either...

Hostile Uterine Takeover

2009-10-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Hellooooooooo LAZY! Stop your chilling out in there and start packing your bags! I went to visit Kristin, our midwife, the other day and she felt around for your position only to find that you are just hanging out in there with no real intention on going anywhere.

I need to get your head engaged into the base of my pelvis to get things rolling but you don't seem to think there is any need for urgency. I however am going to crack a pelvis bone if I have to carry you around much longer. I'm just little you know! Well not any more I'm not. Apparently, according to some lovely individuals, I am HUGE! I have grown to despise that word. It is the WORST descriptive word for a pregnant woman I can think of. Every time someone tells me I'm huge I always want to reply "Well I happen to be pregnant, what is your excuse?" But, that's a whole other topic for another day. Let's get back to the topic of your laziness shall we?

I'm told in order to motivate you I have to go on long walks. Except walking for more then 10 minutes sends my lower back into spasms. So I was told to bounce on an exercise ball. Which I did for an hour, which may have worked. Either that, or my entire pelvis swelled for no reason at all. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night. Dakota, our dog, took care of the nasty ball for me after that. I caught her in the living room attempting to bring it to daddy to play ball with. It is now in your baby crib, safe and sound from sharp K9 teeth, while I attempt to patch up it's wound.

So now I have to find alternate ways of engaging you. Jumping jacks, house work, lifting things, a glass of wine, spicy foods, walking stairs... Can't I just talk you out? It's kind of like a hostage situation. You are holding my body hostage and I want it back! So tell me Monsie, what can I offer you in exchange for my uterus? There has to be something you want!

Sleep

2009-10-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sleep has become my best friend. We do pretty much everything together. Even when I'm awake, sleep is still with me, holding my hand and coaxing me softly to the couch. There isn't much that will keep me away from my dear friend sleep. We're pretty tight.

Bossed Around In my Sleep

2009-10-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

The other day I was compared to a balloon. As much as I would have loved to, I really couldn't argue with that analogy. My face is swollen, my legs, my hands and most definitely my feet! My feet are so swollen that the shoes I've been wearing have rubbed so much against my big toe that it caused nerve damage and I no longer have feeling in my left big toe. Nothing fits me anymore. Not even my maternity clothing. I still wear them of course, I can't very well walk around naked in this condition. I'd love to though!

The fact of the matter is, that you are just getting too big. You've already taken over my sleeping habits. If I'm laying on one side and decide I'd be more comfortable on the other side, I will very slowly roll onto my back, let you adjust, then slowly roll onto the opposite side. Sounds easy right? Well you are very mistaken. It's easy if you're asleep. However if you are awake and you don't want to be on the other side you make sure I know it. You will actually refuse to adjust with me. You will stay on the side you want to be on. I will actually have to reach over, PICK YOU UP, and hold you in my hands while rolling. Then when I get to the position I thought would be more comfortable I will let go, only to have you kick and punch and roll around in dispute. Sometimes if I'm lucky I can rub your bum to calm you down. If you are feeling compliant you will go back to sleep, if you are particularly stubborn that night NOTHING will make you relax and I'll have to carefully roll back over to the original position I was in. You are so bossy!

Dusty Dark Corners

2009-10-15T06:16:00.000-07:00

We're rounding the bend Munchkin. As of this Saturday you will be 38 weeks old, which means you could decide any day now that it's time to breath some fresh air, stretch your limbs, and turn daddy and I into your all abiding slaves.

People keep asking me if I'm anxious to get you out. The answer to that question is always "NO". I'm quite content with where you are. At least then I know where you are, that you are safe, fed, and quiet. Besides your room isn't done yet. It's close though! Really close! We just need to paint it, put together your furniture and bam! It's done. Wait till you see it. It's beautiful. Your daddy out did himself.

Part of me is scared. I'm not afraid of the labor, or the pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of a still birth. I'm SO very afraid of that possibility. If my auntie Rose had never had one I'm sure it would barely be a whisper of a thought occupying my brain. But ever since I conceived you it's been a constant demon who tries desperately to haunt my daily thoughts. I always spit and growl at it, as it slinks back into the dark, dusty corners of my mind. But it stays there, ever awake, waiting for a week moment when it can come back to taunt me. But I hold on to the vision I had when I miscarried. A vision that I would have a beautiful, healthy baby and that keeps me from letting that demon out of it's dark corner.

Monster Feet!

2009-10-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Looky at what mommy came home to in her mail box today. I think I like getting cute surprises in my mail box. This little surprise is courtesy of my Aunt Sandra, who attached a letter stating that she thought these would be a fantastically colourful gift for your little tootsies. And I'm inclined to agree.

Crap Shoot

2009-10-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I've been pretty lucky through this entire pregnancy with you. I skipped over the morning sickness, I didn't get the dark markings on my face, no aversions to the taste of food or even the smell of food, and best of all no pressure "down below"! But of course I have a few weeks left so maybe the best is yet to come.

I have however in the past few weeks found something about being pregnant that I would gladly trade in for an aversion to the smell of food! Acid reflux, is NOT my friend. Two weeks ago I had acid reflux so bad that I couldn't breath properly, I couldn't lay down or the pain became unbearable. I had to prop myself up on the couch with pillows and try to sleep in an upright position. That didn't work so well. And then when the morning came I threw up stomach acid. You have no idea how difficult it is for a stomach to heave up acid when you have a 6 lb child in your belly.

To avoid anything like that again I changed what I ate, when I ate it and what I drank. No food after 7:00. Ginger tea to ease my tummy before bed and nothing else. And the problem went away, until yesterday. Yesterday it came back! Full steam ahead. It's almost like my entire digestive system has gone hay wire. I want to puke, sit on the toilette and pass out all at the same time. Good times I tell ya.

Daddy thinks it might mean my body is preparing for your arrival. Some woman will start to clean out their system in order to make room for your descent. He could be right but then again this happened to me two weeks ago. I don't feel like you're in any hurry to leave. I'm pretty certain in fact that you will hang in there for a few more weeks.

Only A Matter Of Time

2009-10-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

OH OH! Last night my red bracelet fell off. I found it on the kitchen floor. I picked it up and brought it to your daddy to show him. I tapped his leg and said "Kev, my bracelet just fell off" His eyes bugged open and he stressfuly replied "WHY are you telling me that!?" " Cuz it did" was my honest response. " And tomorrow is the 2nd!" That caught him off guard. I could tell he wasn't connecting it in his mind. So I explained " My dream about the e-mail from God saying that the baby would come on the 2nd or the 5th!, Tomorrow is the 2nd!" That's just too much of a coincidence for me. Something tells me you are coming soon.

Cleaning my Monitor

2009-10-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

You are not going to believe what my baby infected brain did today. You may or may not know about the alleged baby brain. No one knows what causes it or if it's really real. But every woman who has ever been pregnant will tell you that she can not retain information, or she fumbles words, forgets the names of her loved ones, or even what she did an hour before. Well mine experience with baby brain was a little more interesting then that.

I was sitting peacefully at my desk, content with the warm cup of decaf I had just made for myself and took a big gulp while reading an e-mail a co-worker had just sent me. Only in a matter of seconds I had already forgotten that I had just filled my mouth with liquid and decided to let out a big sigh. As i heaved out my giant sigh from my lungs I also splurged out the entire contents of my mouth. I spit hot coffee all over my computer monitor! I figured out my error mid spit and rapidly closed my mouth hoping I managed to control some of the damage but the mess was already done. Theodora, the girl sitting next to me sat there staring at me in bewilderment. Then she laughed and asked me the obvious question... "Why did you just spit all over your computer?!" Just keeping things interesting... that's all.

Just Let Me Love You

2009-09-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

No matter how many people try to terrify me with horror stories of birth and pain, and no matter what way they attempt to convince me the pain is unbearable, that I'm crazy for wanting a natural birth, I have NO fear of labour. Labour will probably be the most natural thing I have ever done. It's what my body was made to do. It does not frighten me in the least. I am however afraid of the after math.

I'm afraid of the engorging of my breasts, the cracking and bleeding of my nipples, the pain and discomfort my poor little crotch will have to endure long after the birth, the sleeplessness, the constant barrage of people stopping by unannounced, the lack of privacy people will feel the need to give me, the constant questions and unnecessary advice everyone will offer, the need to smile when I'm uncomfortable and tired, the insensitive people who will swipe you out of my arms because they want to hold you and worst of all the possibility of postpartum depression.

I'm not the type of person who enjoys people stopping by when ever they are in the neighborhood. It stresses me. I need time to tidy up, make sure I have refreshments, remove the dog hair from everything, and mentally prepare myself to give up the plans that I had made for my day. I'm so bad with it that if someone knocks at my door without me having knowledge of anyone stopping by I will not answer the door. I won't. I'll even go to such measures as to jump in the shower so I have a reason for not answering the door. Your mommy may have some issues she needs to work out. But with what all my mom friends have been telling me I should expect plenty of people to stop by when ever they please despite my discomfort. One friend even told me that her in laws practically moved in for 2 weeks after her baby was born and it pushed her into a slight depression because all she wanted was privacy and some bonding time with her daughter. But no one seemed to care. They convinced themselves that they were being helpful. That terrifies me. I'm not as nice as that girl. I will, if sleep deprived enough, kick everyone out in a fit of tears and nastiness. Your mommy also cries when she's frustrated or over tired. Your father will be horrified if that occurs but if he's smart he'll make sure to keep people visits to a minimum before I snap.

I need 3 days. 3 days after you are born of peace, of alone time, of silence to adjust to my new life, the new demands on my body, and to just enjoy my new family. Not to mention sleep! I will want as much sleep as possible the few days after you are born. I have a really good feeling you will come in the dead of the night and I will have NO sleep for days. I also have a feeling that I will be in labor for 18 hours. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling. But I'm ready for it. I have seasons 1 and 2 of Pushing Daises ( A TV show that makes me happy and giddy), Meditation exercises, candles to calm me, burning oils to sooth my senses, positions to bring me relief, and a Douala to teach your daddy to keep me focused and happy. Yet I have no solution for all the things that will come after you are born.

One day at a time. I will just have to take a deep breath and take each challenge as it comes and deal with them as they come. Hopefully everyone will know to give me space to breath, rest and adjust. I'll be honest with you pumpkin, I don't think I will want to share you. You're daddy my have to pry you from my very unwilling arms. I've carried you around in the warmth of my body for almost a year, I've felt your every move, dreamed a million dreams, I haven't been with out you once since the day you were conceived. I'm fairly certain the idea of you not touching my flesh will be a horrible pain that I will have to learn to withstand. I am about to become painfully aware of why a mother will go to grave extremes to keep her children safe and happy. I imagine it to be very much like the tale of the grizzly bear and her cubs. I love you so much all ready. I can barely stand to imagine the immediate engorgement of love and fear I will feel when you are in my arms for the very first time. Bring on the labor, hold the aftermath of all the things I can not control. Just let me love you.

I Need an Exterminator

2009-09-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Here it comes. It's been slowly creeping up behind me like a shadow you see in the corner of your eyes but when you turn around to get a better look at what it was there is nothing there. Was your mind playing tricks on you or did it just jump slightly out of your view range tricking you into believing that maybe you were just seeing things? And it's been following you around for quite some time now. You're getting better at catching it while it tries to sneak around but it still manages to evade you until one day when you were distracted and happy it jumps out at you, seemingly from no where, and rather then screaming and tossing your arms up in surprise you scowl at it fiercely and say "YOU **$(%&@(@#!+!! I knew you were coming!" Then you spit in it's general direction as it laughingly embraces you until you are smothered in shadow.

What the heck am I talking about?! I'm talking about being 34 weeks pregnant! I'm talking about a fairly large human hanging out in my uterus! Who is NOT light. Who is quite heavy. And the ONLY thing keeping it up is my stomach muscles and my cervix! Which may I add, is quite tiring. I'm talking about the scars that have emerged between my legs from my thighs rubbing once too many times. I'm talking about the heart burn, the not being able to breath, the acid reflux that hurts so bad I puke, the not being able to sleep, or get off the couch or walk for any longer then 5 minutes. I'm talking about the butterflies and roses that were my pregnancy being taken over by weeds and slugs.

Woo! Glad I got that off of my chest. I feel better now. How about you?

Pink or Blue?

2009-09-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

According to 95% of the people I encounter on a day to day basis you are a boy. And so far, from what I can tell, the only basis of that decision is that I'm carrying you all out front. However I'm quite short and very petite so where the heck else WOULD I carry you? There is no where else for you to go pumpkin.

*Side Note : Oh yes, before I forget your grandma Gil calls you pumpkin because she doesn't think you are a monster and you are due on Halloween

However I am even more convinced that you will be a girl. The more people tell me you are a boy the more I believe you are not. Weird, I know. It's my rebellious nature coming out. My mother always said I did the opposite of what anyone wanted of me. Of course in this situation it's just a tiny bit ridiculous... "Oh look at how BIG you are! You're definitely having a boy" " Oh ya?! Well too bad! It's a GIRL!" Somehow that logic doesn't make much sense.

To this day I continue to have dreams of a baby girl. So does your father. And today I took a little scientifically based test to see what science says you might be.

Are you over 35? - No

This answer suggests it could be a girl:
EXPLANATION: There is some evidence that the older you are when you have your first baby, the more likely you are to have a girl. The sex of the baby is partly controlled by the level of the hormone gonadotropin, and this declines with age. And being an older mum may influence the sort of pregnancy you have.

Did your pregnancy result from sex before, at, or after ovulation? - Before

This answer suggests it could be a girl.
EXPLANATION: The theory is that sperm bearing Y chromosomes (for boys) move faster but don't live as long as sperm that carry X chromosomes (for girls). So you are more likely to conceive a boy if you have sex when you are ovulating. Of course, you need to understand your menstrual cycle to know when you are likely to ovulate.

Do you live with the father of your baby? Yes

This answer suggests it could be a boy:
EXPLANATION: One very large study of 86,000 people shows a figure of 51.5 per cent male births for those living with a spouse or partner before the child's conception or birth, and 49.9 per cent male births reported by respondents who were not. It may be to do with the fact that if you live with someone you are more likely to have regular and frequent sex. The theory is that sperm bearing Y chromosomes (for boys) move faster but don't live as long as sperm that carry X chromosomes (for girls). So by having regular and frequent sex, you are more likely to have sex close to the time you ovulate. This increases your chances of having a boy.

If you are married, how long had you been married when you conceived? - I'm not married

This answer suggests it could be a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: The theory is that the longer you are married, the less sex you have. Infrequent sex means that you are less likely to conceive close to when you ovulate. Male sperm move faster but don't live as long as female sperm. So by having infrequent sex, you are less likely to have sex close to the time you ovulate. That means that a longer-lasting female sperm is more likely to win the race.

Is the father of your baby over 40? - No

This answer suggests it could be a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: It seems that the older a dad is the less likely the male sperm are to fertilise the egg and the female sperm win the race. The latest evidence is that the quality of sperm does deteriorate with age and older men produce fewer male sperm.

How many children do you already have? -None

This answer suggests it could be a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: The research here shows that the more children you have, the more likely you are to have a girl. This may be linked to the fact that the more pregnancies you have, the higher your levels of the hormone gonadotropin. This seems to be linked to a higher chance of having a girl.

Were you eating a high or low calorie diet when you became pregnant? -Low

This answer suggests it could be a girl
EXPLANATION: A study divided 740 British women into groups according to their calorie intake. 56 per cent of the women who had the highest energy intake had boys. 45 per cent of the women who had the lowest energy intake had boys. The average calorie intake for women who had boys was 2,413. The average calorie intake for women who had girls was 2,283. It has been suggested that our bodies only invest in boys (who are more fragile and statistically less likely to survive) when food is abundant. In times of famine or low food production we "play safe" with more robust girls. Remember, whether you're having a boy or a girl, a healthy diet is very important before and during pregnancy.

Does the father of your baby work in any of these occupations: airline pilot, deep sea diver, submariner, timber mill worker, flour mill worker? - NO

This answer suggests either a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: Some studies have looked at the father's occupation and the ratio of boys and girls. Occupations that involve stress or pollutants seem to lead to more girls. But these are small-scale studies that have only looked at certain occupations.

Were you under stress before you became pregnant? - No

This answer suggests either a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: We know more boys are born at times of stress, such as after wars, and research carried out so far seems to confirm this. One theory is that the mother's high stress levels lead to increases in both testosterone and cortisol. This may lead to changes in the egg, which makes it easier for male sperm to penetrate. Just how this happens no one is sure, but there is much mystery still about the moment of conception.

Which season did you conceive in? - Winter

This answer suggests it could be a girl
EXPLANATION: Farmers have noticed this effect in animals for many years. A study of 63,976 births in the area of Essen, West Germany, from 1965 to 1970 showed that more boys were conceived in early summer, and more girls in winter. In spring and autumn the figures were the same. This may be related to a better diet in summer, or could be because more viral and infectious diseases are around in the winter. Male sperm and embryos are acknowledged to be more fragile and it may be that they are more affected by mothers catching infections.

Did you conceive after having your ovulation induced hormonally? - NO

This answer suggests either a boy or a girl
EXPLANATION: Studies carried out among women who used hormones, such as Clomid, to induce ovulation show that you are slightly more likely to have a girl if artificial hormones are involved.

Based on your answers, the research suggests that you are slightly more likely to have a girl!

Hmmm...

Do You Believe in Magic?

2009-09-20T16:09:00.001-07:00

Do you believe in Magic? I do. Ever since I was knee high to a grass hopper, or so the saying goes. I believe there are things no one will ever be able to explain, I believe that when you truly believe in something that anything is possible, I believe that there is more to this world then meets the eye and I most definitely believe in magic. Maybe not the abracadabra, hocus pocus magic like you see in movies, but a more subtle form of magic. Like people who can walk into a room and ignite it with energy with out speaking a word. Or someone who can take away another's pain simply by touching them. And then there are those who can speak aloud a need, and believe with all their being that that need will be taken care of and somehow everything they needed is granted them. Magic is every where. You just have to look harder to feel it.

There was a day not too long ago when I was filled with fear and sadness. I was losing my unborn child and I was helpless against it. But I decided to go down fighting. I grabbed some blood red thread, cut it into 3 pieces and tied one end in a knot. The colour red is said to ward off evil, the number 3 is said to represent artistic abilities insight, optimism, and happiness (the things that describe me) I began to braid the three pieces of thread together and as I did so I prayed out loud with as much meaning and strength I could muster " With this bracelet I bind from me all things evil. I bind negativity, illness, ill thoughts, poor intentions, and ill will towards me. My baby and I will be protected." I said this prayer over and over until my braid was done and tied around my left hand wrist. The wrist that holds the closest vein to my heart. You are not supposed to remove a prayer bracelet. It will fall off when your prayer has taken it's course.

Soon after your father came in to check on me and noticed the new addition to my wrist and asked me what it was. I told him it was to protect the baby but that it didn't work, fore we both knew at that point our baby had already passed on. And that was when he said to me "Who knows, maybe it is working". I understood what he meant and it brought me comfort.

A month or so later, the very day I found out I was pregnant again, that bracelet fell off. I did not believe for a second that it was a mere coincidence. So I created a new one to protect us again. This bracelet, made of the same thread, braided the same way, and spoken the same prayer has lasted for over 8 months with no sign of falling off. The last one only made it past a month. And I do not for a moment believe that it's a coincidence either.

I believe in magic.

All That And The Kitchen Sink

2009-09-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Sept. 4

There was a family invasion at our house this weekend. I'm sure you heard all the ruckus. Auntie Laura, Uncle Dylan, Grandma Jane, Grandma Gil, & Grandpa came over to give a giant push to the continuing renovation of our little home. Floors got ripped up, electrical got installed, saws, drills, dust, sneezing maybe even some crying... It got a little crazy. I had a nap while everyone was eating lunch. But when I got up the chaos resumed. Then suddenly they all left. My little elves all left and the house was silent. But man did we get a lot done! I have a kitchen! Food, real food! will be cooked, and dishes will be washed in a SINK! A sink i tell you! Oh how I love sinks. Wash dirty dishes in a bath tub while 8 months pregnant and then tell me you don't love the height, the silvery shine, the large drain and spray arm of a kitchen sink. I shall never take my sink for granted again.

Super Fantastic Mom

2009-09-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

Want to know how super fantastic your mommy is?! Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway and you are going to listen and love it because I said so. Do you recall me telling you that I've been trying to win a video baby monitor off of ebay but that every over bearing mother and their pet parakeet have been out bidding me? Well guess what your mommy did last night! That's right I stole out into the dark of the night and I sabotaged every one of those mommies keyboards with a maple syrup & hot water cocktail. Lets see them out bid me NOW. Actually as cool as that would have been to do it just wasn't cost efficient, transportation wise. But I WON anyway! That's right! Your super fantastic mom just out bid every one of those parakeets and got a $229 Summer Infant Video Monitor for $81! Yes I did. WOO! I feel good. There will be no sneaking out of your cage now little one!

Special Delivery!

2009-09-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sept. 1

Did you know that I don't have a vehicle? Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to get around town purchasing much needed baby stuff with out one? Lets just say it hasn't happened except for the one day Lisa took me out. However I'm learning very quickly that sometimes internet shopping is far cheaper then jumping in a car and driving up to your local baby store to grab a few lusted after items.

Ebay is a god send. I was looking at breast pumps and choking on air when I saw the prices they want for a decent, easy to use pump. $169. for a mid range one. $350 for a good one and then they go into the $1000's for the serious milker. I don't much see myself as a milk factory so I was aiming for the mid line pump by Medela for around $169. Then I decided to see if ebay had any brand new pumps up for bid. Guess how much I got it for?! 80 bucks baby! Of course that started an obsession, I've since been looking for baby carriers, car seats, camcorders, baby bedding, and monitors. Speaking of monitors I've been watching at least 10 of them and bidding on most but I've lost ALL of them! People are so darn competitive over baby monitors! People keep sweeping in under me and snatching my monitor away! It's a fancy one too. I can walk around the house or the yard with it in my hand and be able to watch your every move while you sleep. It even has night vision. So if I happen to feel like doing a little mid night gardening at 3:35 in the AM I'll be able to see if your sleeping or if your attempting to break out of your cage. Cribs are remarkably similar to cages.

Anyways... what I'm trying to say is cross your fingers for me cause mommy wants her fancy monitor!

Your baby crib bedding came in today and J'adore! It's so pretty, that when the crib is set up and your bedding is in I may crawl in for a nap. Don't put it past me either. I hunted and hunted, looked at over 260 different bedding sets and this ONE is the only one I truly loved that matched your room. AND the best part? It only cost me $133. Which is way better then the $250 sets I was disappointed with. I really wanted to make your bed set but my sewing machine is broken and I have a kitchen to worry about... Yes yes... the kitchen is STILL not done. Don't talk to me about it, or you may shatter my carefully pieced together calm.

Early?

2009-09-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

August 31, 2009

Days go by where I barely notice I'm even pregnant. Usually that ends abruptly when I walk any where near a mirror and suddenly I'm shocked back to reality by the image jumping out at me. But yesterday I felt different. I felt pregnant. My tummy feels heavy, like it's stretching my skin and pulling me down. Today I noticed that my boobs are not sitting on my belly any more and that I can't see my belly button without leaning forward to look at it. YOU DROPPED! I'm only 31 weeks pregnant and you're already dropping. I can't be positive about this but I'm pretty sure it's a little early for you to be getting further down into my birthing canal. Maybe God's email did mean October 5th is when you would arrive. All I can say is, please God let the nursery be done by then.

E-mails From God

2009-09-01T09:32:00.001-07:00

August 30, 2009

Last night I went to bed and I told God that I was starting to get concerned about your birth. I asked God to give me a sign if I should be concerned and if I would need to be in the hospital in case of an emergency. That very night I had a dream that God wrote me an e-mail and told me that if I hadn't had you by the 2nd that you were definitely coming by the 5th and that I wouldn't need to leave the house. But now I'm confused! The 2nd or the 5th of what? September, October or November?

If it's September then you will be 2 months early and that's an emergency situation that will definitely be handled in the hospital. Not to mention they won't even let you come home until October 31st.

If it's October you are still 4 weeks early and I'll still have to go to the hospital. The only way that message makes any sense is if you are born in November. Which of course is entirely possible but in my dream after reading God's e-mail I knew that it meant you were coming early. So Either you will be a November baby and you will be delivered at home safe and sound. Or you're going to come earlier then planned and I'll be having you in a hospital. Well... That is of course if you believe in dreams. But if you know anything about me then you know I put a lot of weight on the messages in my dreams, because they are usually true. My gut tells me that you are coming early October. If that is the case then I'll be ready for you because God told me in a dream that you will be safe and of that I am certain.

Friends from Afar

2009-08-31T13:01:00.001-07:00

Aug. 28

Approximately a year ago I found this fantastic web site that I completely adore called etsy.com, where you can find nearly anything hand made. I happened upon on one shop within the site by the name of Lovems1 that I instantly fell head over heals for. Nancy, the owner of the shop creates these wonderful security blankets for children created from the softest, fluffiest fabric, combined with the cutest and cuddliest stuffed animals you've ever seen. I think I've now bought 5 for all the babies in my life. I even intend on buying one for you but I'm holding out until the day you are born so I can have your name embroidered onto it.

Not only do I have a fantastic place to shop for baby gifts but I've also made a really good friend in Nancy. I truly do adore her. She's considerate, sweet and interesting. She may have been the very first person to know you existed besides your father and she's been nothing but supportive and excited for me. Today I received a package from Nancy with a beautifully wrapped gift and card addressed to your daddy and I. My original plan was to wait until I got home from work to unwrap it with your daddy but... that plan quickly changed course. Then I decided I would just unwrap a corner of it to take a peak. But once the corner unveiled a soft white knit SOMETHING I had to rip my way into it to see what it really was!

Monster you should see it! It's this beautifully made white baby blanket with a popcorn stitched trim all the way around, divided in the middle by a bunch of squares each with it's own letter of the alphabet inside each of the squares. You are going to love it! Especially seeing as you will be born near winter and will likely be wrapped up in it a lot. You're one spoiled little baby and you're not even born yet!

Um... I think I'm Pregnant

2009-08-31T09:56:00.001-07:00

Mind Over Matter

2009-08-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

August 24, 2009

Today was a good day. I woke up this morning feeling energized rather then like I may pass out or vomit. The air was cool and crisp with a slight tinge of dewiness rather then the heavy damp heat that threatened to suffocate or swell me to the point of implosion. I felt pretty rather then rotund and achy. And I was going to go to St. Joes to see you again. That's right, today was the day of my 3rd ultra sound.

Most women only need 1 or 2 ultra sounds unless they are considered to have some risks to their pregnancy. As you may recall I have a low lying placenta. All that means is that I would have to have a hospital birth rather then the home birth I've been dreaming of in case I Hemoriged or bleed out. But just as I knew it would, my placenta moved up and my home birthing dreams can still come true. My neighbors will be so happy to hear of it. Which reminds me, I should actually warn them about that. Otherwise the day of your birth may include a bunch of cops stopping by the house on a report of suspected domestic violence called in by unnerved neighbors who over heard my screams of anguish and anger. I'm sure they'll think I've been beating your father.

Aside from my placenta moving up we also got to see a fantastic view of your face! I really thought at this point you would be skin and bone but to our pleasant surprise you have a beautiful oval face, full round cheeks, large sleepy eyelids, and a sweet little heart shaped mouth that opened up in a full yawn. As soon as you opened your mouth your daddy shouted in excitement "Oh my GOD! WOW look at that!" I'm certain he could be heard all the way down the hall and into the waiting room where other awaiting parents sat quietly waiting their turn. The ultra sound technician told us that you were developing well, that you were head down, and that you were almost 4lbs.

4 pounds. That frightens me a little. You're supposedly already 4 pounds and I have 10 weeks to go. In the last few weeks before you are due you can gain up to a lb a week! I'm all for having a healthy baby but I'm having a natural birth! Do NOT make me push you out of me if you plan on being a 10 lb baby! Of course I've read that the estimate they give you for weight can be very wrong at times. So maybe you're really 2 pounds. I'm going to convince myself that you are going to be a small 6 pound 8 ounce baby at birth. That way I'll barely notice the intense burning as all 8 pounds 5 ounces of you come tearing out of me. Mind over matter!

Excited About Labor

2009-08-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

I was fully expecting some close mindedness towards my desire for a home birth. I had no idea how MUCH grief I would get from the majority of people I told. After all it was only 50 some odd years ago that women actually stopped giving birth at home. So why all the fuss and shock when I say I'm staying home? The only time it's actually safer to give birth in a hospital is when you have a high risk pregnancy. Which I do not.

Why would I want to be in a cold, ugly hospital with a bunch of people staring at my crotch for hours on end, while I am the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life, when I can be in my cozy little home, with all my books, TV, radio, my warm bed, my own bathtub, my fridge full of food, buck naked if I want to. Not to mention there will be NO other laboring women to listen to screaming, complaining, and cussing. My house on a bad day likely has about 32,115 less infection causing germs in it then a hospital. There will be no one sweeping into my room in the middle of the night to take my baby away from me to prick it with needles out of my site. And should there be, heaven forbid, an emergency then the hospital is a 10 minute car ride away. And by the time I get there Kristin will have already hooked me up to an IV, administered any drugs I need and called for the O.R. to be prepped and ready for my arrival.

It is because of all the above things that I am so NOT stressed or remotely concerned about my labor. Sure, it's going to be more painful then putting my hand in a blender but it's pain that has an definite end in sight. Pain that comes with the thrill of knowing that with every biting contraction I'll be that much closer to holding you in my arms. It's pain with a purpose. And that is the kind of pain I can deal with.

But regardless of all those reasons most people think I'm a wee bit crazy. Maybe I am but the more I read about hospitals and the millions of dollars they make off of women giving birth, and the fact that they push drugs and epidurals without word of how much they the slow labor, increase risk of cesarean, forceps and the baby not turning properly all because they get $500 PER epidural used?... makes me think I'm not really so crazy.

I will have my baby under my circumstances. I will listen to my body no matter how painful and I will look back and know I did it all on my own. This is what feels right for me. Every woman is different, with different needs and different tolerances. I think I can do this. I'm excited to do this! I can't wait! How many women planning to give birth in a hospital with drugs will tell you that they can't wait for labor?

To top it all off I just read an article that the BBC posted entitled "Home Births as Safe as Hospital". Which states of a massive study done resulting in the conclusion that a woman laboring at home is just as safe as a woman laboring in a hospital provided that she is a low risk pregnancy. And that due to these newly found statistics the UK is going to be altering their health system to support and encourage home births. Well there you have it... how crazy am I now?

If I were to blame anyone for my thought process in all of this I'd blame my father. He is the one who told me to think for myself and not to believe anything simply because someone with authority told me it was so. And that may be the best lesson he ever taught me. I plan on passing that lesson onto you my little one.

Baby Ryleigh

2009-08-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm an AUNT! A real aunt! To a beautiful baby girl named Ryleigh.

As you know I was at home when I got the message that Auntie Megan had gone into labor. That was at 9:47 AM. At 3:00 my mother called me to tell me she wasn't waiting for me to call her and was coming to pick me up to take me back to their place for my dad's birthday. But I had been waiting for the call to tell me that I had a niece! I didn't want to leave the house until then. But I didn't argue with my mom or I'd get the huff of impatience in my ear that always makes me feel like a bad daughter. So on her way she was.

At 3:16 I got the call from Uncle Steve. I didn't even let him talk I was so excited. So he might have been willing to tell me at the time if I had a niece or nephew but all I could ask was "Can I come!?" Once I got the ok to visit I was ready to jump in the van and leave, until I realised that my mother was still on her way and of course today of all days she didn't put any minutes on her cell phone. So I had to wait. Again.

I was in the basement checking on the laundry when she finally arrived. I could hear her through the floor boards oddly enough, and ran as fast as I could, baby belly bouncing at my chin, all the way up the stairs, leaped over the hardwood flooring piled up in the kitchen and over the dog to breathlessly yell "THEY HAD THE BABY !" my mother's arms flew up into the air and she yelled back "WHAT IS IT!?" "uh, I don't know!" I replied. I hadn't even bothered to ask!

No time was waisted. We called my dad told him to meet us there, called my grandmother, Memere to tell her we were not picking her up for dinner and we all sped off to the hospital. I drove with my mom because she wanted me to and Daddy drove up by himself because he had to come back home and finish working on the kitchen renovation. You should have seen your grandmother, she was trying to keep it cool but failed miserably. She yelled at every car that drove too slow thus keeping her from getting to her first grand baby. She cussed at the parking lots that were closed on a Saturday thus not allowing her to park closer to the hospital, and she huffed at the automatic door that used to be an entrance turned emergency exit causing us to have to walk further to another door that would allow us entrance into the hospital. She was the first one in the elevator, the first one into the room and the first one to grab the baby out of auntie Megan's arms. And then there was nothing anyone could do to wipe the big dumb grin off of her silly face.

I tried to lean over to give Auntie Megan a kiss but she couldn't move forward due to the fact that she had to have a Cesarean section which left a giant gash in her abdomen and I had a big baby belly that kept getting in the way. My mom walked away with the baby while saying, you were right Kim. Meaning I had niece.

Auntie Megan took no time at all to relay the painful story of Ryleigh's arrival. Auntie Megan, Uncle Steve and Auntie Helen arrived at the hospital late Friday night when Auntie Helen had finally convinced her that she was in labor, but was told she was only 3cm dilated and to go home and wait a little longer. So home she went, where they all jumped into the hot tub to relax and patiently wait it out, only according to Megan that's when her water decided to break, much to the dismay of Uncle Steve who had just cleaned the hot tub. And off they went to the hospital again.

Upon the arrival at the hospital Auntie Megan opted to ease her pain with an epidural which only worked for maybe an hour, so they tried to insert another and that one didn't work. The esthatician continued to try to alleviate her pain by giving her a shot of a narcotic that I can not for the life of me recall the name of, that didn't work. So they tried it again. And once again that didn't work. They say the third time is supposed to be a charm, but not for Megan because once again, it didn't work. The last straw was an oral sedative and even that didn't work.

Your tortured but tough Auntie Megan endured 12 long hours of active labor and NOTHING helped the pain, only to find that little Ryliegh's head was not dropping to the proper position to come out. They tried to turn her head several times. And that's about the time that Auntie Megan started to vomit from exhaustion, discomfort, and over heating. The vomiting caused her stomach muscles to contract, while her uterus was also busy contracting in order to push Ryleigh out, which proved to be too much pressure for little Ryleigh and much to Uncle Steve and Auntie Megan's horror her heart stopped. The mid wife only needed to tickle her head to get it going again but that was enough for Auntie Megan and it was decided that Ryleigh was going to come out a different route. Megan was prepped for the O.R. and Ryleigh was delivered VIA c-section at 12:40 AM August 15th.

An exhausted, sore and hungry Megan sat there on the bed in front of me looking more beautiful then I had ever seen her. She was a mom, and despite all the pain and lack of sleep she had a beautiful grin on her face as she told me it was worth every second. God I love that woman.

My mother of course still had baby Ryleigh in her arms with tears rolling down her cheeks. I had to actually tell her to stop "Bogarting" the baby so I could hold her. The look on her face made me giggle. She looked shocked and a little stressed at the idea of having to let go, but let go she did.

She was so cute. Her face was all puffy and swollen from being stuck in the birthing canal for so long. She had tiny scratches on her face from her long finger nails and a thin red bruise that went from her forehead, down her eye lid and onto her cheek where they must have used the forceps to turn her in an attempt to get her out. And upon first glance there was no doubt from anyone in that room, she was the spitting image of her mother.

I can't wait for you to meet her.

A New Life

2009-08-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past 3 days painting a rather large and colourful painting of a baby tiger named Tidoh, running through a jungle of vibrant flowers. It's the very first painting of it's kind but definitely not the last. I've painted canvases for children before but not like this one. This one is special. This one is far more beautiful then anything I've ever done in my children's series of art. This painting is going to be hung on the wall of my niece or nephew's room.

I stayed up last night until 3:00 in the morning to get it done. I felt a sudden urgency to complete it and I wasn't going to bed until every last detail was perfect. For a pregnant woman who is low on iron and ALWAYS tired that is just unheard of. But I wasn't tired. I had determination and energy like I did before I became pregnant. I was on a mission.

Today is my Dad's birthday. And my mother is having a dinner party to celebrate. So naturally I kept telling myself that I was going to bring the painting with me to give to Auntie Megan and Uncle Steve while I was there but every time I pictured giving it to them my mind envisioned me walking through a hospital coridor on my way to personally give it to my brand spanking new niece/nephew. (I swear they're having a girl but lately I've been wrong with my instincts)

Shortly after 3:00 I dragged daddy off the couch where he had passed out into a deep slumber and put us to bed where we stayed until daddy got up to go to work. I grabbed onto the head board and pulled myself up to a sitting position and jumped out of bed to call my dad and wish him happy birthday. While on the phone with him Auntie Helen picked up the line (my parents and my brother live next door to each other and share a phone line). She informed us that Auntie Megan and Uncle Steve had been at the hospital all night, Auntie Megan had gotten the epidural and was resting when Helen had left them around 3:00 in the morning to get some rest. And now I'm waiting.

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT TODAY! AN AUNT!!!!! Monster can you believe it? My very own niece or nephew to love and cherish. My baby brother is going to have a baby. And you are going to have a cousin. OH My GOD! I'm so happy I'm crying! And... I'm waiting. I hate waiting. I really do. I've been waiting for no more the 18 minutes and I'm already twitching. So I guess all my instincts haven't been wrong. I knew I had to finish that painting last night.

Damsel in Distress

2009-08-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager I used to faint a lot. Not a particularly interesting piece of information to be giving away but I do have a point. I passed out on a stairwell at high school once, and fell all the way to the very bottom and according to my Vice Principal, would have cracked my head open had he not caught me at the very last minute. An ambulance came and took me away to the nearest hospital where they poked and prodded me for an hour. We got locked our examining room too because there was a schizophrenic loose in the halls making lude gestures to all the nurses who tried to assist him. It was a pretty fantastic day for me to say the least.

Why am I telling you this?, well because it's started again. It's been about a week now but I've been passing out again. Actually that's not true. THIS time, because of my experiences back when I was a teenager I know how to recognise the signs and prevent the actual passing out in public. But it's not any more appealing.

This morning I was on the bus on my way to work when suddenly i started to feel very ill. My body started to sweat, and my skin began to tingle. I knew what was coming next so I tried to relax myself and lay lower on my seat but it only progressed. It was too hot on the bus, I needed to get off. But I was afraid of being week, and stranded on some strange street with no way to get home. I debated the possibilities. I was still pretty close to home. If I got out and laid myself down on someone's front lawn I would likely be ok. If I stayed on the bus I was with a lot of people should I pass out and need help, but dear god how awful would that be. Guaranteed they would see a young pregnant girl unconscious, panic and call an ambulance and I would spend the remainder of my afternoon in the hospital being poked and probed again.

I got off the bus. Found a really nice patch of cool green grass and plopped myself down on it. The instant touch of the cool grass jerked me out of the nausea slightly. Good thing daddy bought me that ugly pink cell phone too because I used it to call him to tell him what was happening, work to tell them I was going home, and a cab to take me there.

So I spent the day at home today, sleeping, replenishing fluids and consuming fruit sugars to increase my blood circulation. According to Kristin my blood circulation is lowered when I'm pregnant which causes circulation problems in some women. I need to eat constantly to keep my sugar levels up which will increase my circulation and I need to make sure I take my iron supplement because if I don't have enough iron, then I could be low on hemoglobin. If I'm low on hemoglobin then there is not enough oxygen being transferred through my blood to my organs and therefore causing me to pass out. Well la tee da... these were all things that I all ready knew but didn't consider that it would be happening to ME! I was wrong. Once again I am reminded that I am not indestructible. You kicked and poked away at me the entire time reminding me that I wasn't alone.

A Stormy Night of Creativity

2009-08-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

Last night was the best thunderstorm I've seen in a long time! I can't wait until you and I can sit out at night, wrapped up in blankets, candles lit and munchies at hand while we watch in awe as a fantastic thunderstorm passes over.

You may not like them at first. I know I didn't. My father had to force me to sit on his lap one night under the sun deck and watch one with him. I've been a fan ever since. But before that I would run screaming down the street with all the neighbours following after to find out if I was dying.

Something fantastic came with last nights storm. My hunger to paint returned! It's been 6 months since I've painted! I keep telling everyone that you've sucked the creativity out of me. It truly saddens me that I haven't wanted to paint. It's honestly my true passion in life. Maybe this means my dry spell is over.

The Most Beautiful Change

2009-08-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Aug. 1

As much as I am fighting to accept the weight changes in my body I must admit that I am completely and totally fascinated with the miraculousness of it all. The very fact that my body has completely altered itself in order to nourish and grow a completely unique child that is composed of half of my DNA and half of your daddy's DNA is completely and utterly amazing to say the least.

Although I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me any more I find myself admiring the altered beauty in front of me. Every detail is amazing. And from time to time I look at myself and think, "wow, I'm pregnant. I can't get any more beautiful then I am right now".

Denial

2009-07-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

July. 28

It occurred to me the other day that there are only three months left before you arrive. THREE months! That's it! That's not a lot of time! Not when we're talking about the length of time it will take to finish the kitchen, start and finish the nursery, buy all the stuff we'll need to care for a new born child and get the house ready for your arrival? That's not nearly enough time!

I'll be the first to admit I haven't bought a thing for you. I'm not sure why. One would think that I would be so excited that I wouldn't be able to hold myself back. But every time I think about it I decide to wait just a little bit longer. Part of me, the superstitious side of me, is afraid that if I get too over zealous that I'll jinx myself and lose you all over again. Silly? Maybe, but I'm sure you'll know me well enough by the time you read this to know that I don't out rule any possibilities no matter how odd they are.

The reality of how close you are to arriving sunk in a little deeper and I'm proud to say that I swallowed my fears, made myself a list, called Lisa and went shopping! Don't get overly excited for me just yet though. Shopping for a baby was a little bit, how can I put this?... weird. It was just weird. I kept picking things up that I thought were adorable and then I'd put them back on the shelf thinking to myself "baby clothes? Why am I buying baby clothes?" Knowing fully well why I was buying baby clothes, and yet somehow I was still unsure what I was doing.

Never the less I bought baby clothes! So you will not be naked on the day you are born for too long! Well maybe. I love me a naked baby. But I also bought baby wipes, hats, blankets, cloths, freezer bags for milk, nursing pads, and a health care kit. It occurred to me as I placed the 5 or so outfits that I had chosen on the cashiers counter that my colour choices seemed somewhat oriented towards the male gender. Despite the fact that I was trying to stay gender neutral almost every piece of clothing looked like it might lean more towards a boy baby rather then a girl. I caulked my head to the side and quietly asked Lisa " Um, does it appear as though I might be buying for a boy?" the cashier laughed under her breath and Lisa replied, not so quietly, " uh huh, yup!" to which I replied "Great. OK! so if I have a girl I'll have to buy bows and flowers for her hair" Lisa raised a valid point "what if she doesn't have hair?" crap. "I don't know"

So is that another sign? I'm calling you he and I'm gravitating to clothing coloured with a little boy in mind. And why are baby clothes such bland colours?! There are 5 basic colours you can find for a baby and THAT'S IT! Pastel pink, blue, yellow and green. Is there some unwritten rule somewhere that I am not aware of that states infants are forbidden to wear orange, olive green, brown, red, grey, turquoise, purple, and black? Who makes these rules!? And why do I have to abide by them? When were vibrant colours deemed anti baby? I'm seeing a business opportunity here. Baby clothing for people who are not colour blind. Now I'll just have to learn how to sew.

Gender Bender

2009-07-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

July 24

I have a hard time saying out loud what I think you are. Everyone wants to know what my gut reaction is, what I feel deep inside. I know what I feel deep inside but voicing it out loud seems sinful for some unknown reason. What if I'm wrong? Will it seem that the sex I believed you to be was the sex I was secretly hoping for? Would I look ungrateful for the child I received? Would you always wonder if I really wanted you to be something other then what you are? So I just tell everyone that I have no idea what you are. And I'm always satisfied with that answer because truthfully it doesn't matter one ounce what sex you are. All that matters is that you are my baby. And that is all I have ever wanted.

I will admit that there are some very mixed up messages being sent to me from some cosmic unknown place that keeps me guessing. I had a dream more then four years ago now, of Kevin coming home from work. I greeted him in the living room and while we talked about our days a small girl around the age of five came running out from behind us excitedly shouting "Daddy" as she wrapped her little body around his left leg and held on tight. Kevin patted her head lovingly and rested his hand on her shoulder as we continued our conversation and the little girl continued to hang on contentedly with a giant grin on her little oval face. She was beautiful. Long blond wavy hair that was parted in the middle and wrapped in pigtails at the sides of her head, soft pink lips, pale powdery skin, and vibrant blue eyes. I knew instantly that this was our daughter. It was a short and very detailed dream, the kind that you remember the instant you wake up and no matter how many years pass you by you still remember it vividly. At the time I received this dream your father and I were hardly dating. We were in the denial stage of our relationship. But that dream really forced my mind in to perspective.

Since becoming pregnant with you I've had at least six or seven other dreams about you being a little girl. And non-coincidentally every time I have one of these dreams I just happened to have had a day of discussion with someone about what sex I think you must be. Are you trying to tell me something?

On the other hand when I was pregnant the first time I was absolutely positive I was having a girl. There was no doubt in my mind. None. With this pregnancy I habitually call you "he" all the time. If I need to describe something you did that day I'll say "I learned today as I passed the Stereo, that Kevin cranked up, that HE (as I point at my belly) doesn't like loud noises". Your father always notices when I call you he. He's made it pretty clear that he would love to have a boy. He thinks that his boy will be someone he can play baseball, road hockey, and watch all the dull sports on TV with, because I have no desire to do any. I always laugh at this notion because something tells me his boy will be the shy, quiet, and artistic nature hunter... and it will be his little girl who will be the tough, baseball hat tilted to the side, messy faced, bandaids on her knees, waiting on the front porch with a glove in one hand, ball in the other, waiting on the front porch to pitch her father out of a makeshift game of ball. Both of those children sound beyond perfect to the both of us. But every man wants a little boy, because they secretly fear how in love they will fall with their little girl and how terrifying it will be to see boys fall in love with her too. For some reason they don't fear for their little man and all the girls that will fall in love with him. I guess boys can handle the love sick girls. But little does he know that his daughter will be the one that all the boys should fear.

So like I said, I have mixed messages. My dreams are rarely wrong. In fact I don't ever remember them not being right. SO much so that when I have an undesirable dream it plagues me that it could be true to the point where I find myself begging for it to be wrong. But then my gut reaction was to call you "He" right from the beginning. It remains a mystery. Plenty of insightful strangers seem to think you are a boy. Apparently I'm carrying all out front and nothing but belly which makes you a boy. I however happen to know that I am also carrying in the but, thighs and arms. So does that factor in? Who knows. How on earth anyone is supposed to tell the sex of a child by how big it's mother's tummy is seems a little off the wall to me. We'll all find out soon enough and it will be the best surprise any of us have ever had.

Body Brutality

2009-07-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

July 23.

Yesterday was a day abundant with physical torture. Luckily for me I have a fairly high pain threshold but let me be honest, yesterday really tested my endurance. I decided to walk to my midwife appointment with Kristin, and aim to burn off a few useless pounds of unnecessary weight that I've lovingly deposited on my once petite behind. Right off the get go that decision proved to be far more challenging then I had expected it to be.

It hadn't occurred to me that if my body was 30 pounds heavier that my legs would not be used to the extra weight, but I quickly found out that 30 pounds makes a huge difference on the muscles that have to carry it around. Within five minutes of walking my calves started to scream angry threats of abandonment, but I powered on knowing that they'd hush up once they got use to the burn. But just as they started to adapt all that extra weight started to bare down on my sciatic nerve.

If you've never experienced a pinched sciatic nerve then consider yourself lucky. It starts in you pelvic region some where near your hip and behind your butt cheek, sending a piercing pain that vibrates down your thigh and into your foot. I thought that maybe if I powered through it the pain would subside... I was so very wrong. The further I walked the worse it became but I'm stubborn and maybe a little bit stupid because I decided to continue on by foot and ignore the pain. There are clients at my office who deal with that pain on an every day basis. I thought of them, and how they have to live with the pain and decided to suck it up, move ahead, and not complain. Oh but what a relief once I arrived at Kristin's office!

Kristin and I had a good visit together as usual. You are now 25 weeks and 4 days old, according to their due date contraption hickey. But I know better. I know the day you were conceived so in fact you are exactly 24 weeks and 1 day old. As far as they can tell you are head down and swimming in plenty of amniotic fluid, so you have lots of play room.

Later that night, feeling exhausted from my tormenting walk, I took a nice long shower and went to bed only to be abruptly and most rudely awakened by the worst leg spasm to have ever reaped havoc on mankind. I can't prove that fact but I am certain it is true.

I woke up screaming. Daddy practically jumped out of bed in sheer panic but I coaxed him back forcefully with my tortured screams and somehow managing to word "Oh God! CRAMP!" You're poor father, still delirious with sleep and panic, thought I must be miscarrying again and started to rub my belly in a circular motion while soothingly attempting to tell me "shhhh, it's ok, it's ok" but it was NOT ok! The pain in my leg became excruciating, the dog was barking madly, and daddy was rubbing my belly! "My LEG! It's in my LEG! Make it stop! AH! God make it stop!" was all I had to say for your father to quickly understand exactly what was happening. But this time his massaging my calf didn't work at all.

Suddenly my mother's voice was in my head reminding me "walk around when your leg cramps" So I jumped out of bed and walked out of the room. Your father stood there dumbfounded, sheets and pillows scattered around him as I silently walked away. "Where are you going?" He asked, confused. "My mom told me to walk on it" And thankfully, she was right. As soon as my feet hit the ground the pain subsided. What a ridiculous amount of pain to experience for NO reason at ALL! And all I had to do was walk? Weird.

I crawled back into bed laughing at the insanity that had just occurred. I'm certain I woke up our neighbours. My throat hurt! If my throat hurt from hollering how could the neighbours NOT have heard me? Maybe if I'm lucky they blamed it on the cats that sit outside our windows crying out in heat in the dead of the night. Regardless I curled up next to your father, still giggling, when he said "Maybe if you hadn't walked a marathon today that wouldn't have happened!" Hmmm... he could be right but I won't admit it.

Our Song

2009-07-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

I found my new favourite song. This is going to be our song so I hope you like it because I anticipate you'll be hearing a whole lot of it in the next few years of your life.

It's my favourite vocalist Leslie Feist singing her song 1234 only she's changed it. The opening line is about 4 monsters walking across the floor, and you're our little monster! What could be more perfect then that?

Punishment From the Inside

2009-07-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

June 16

It's becoming more and more obvious that you are already taking after me and you're not even born yet. I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing at this point. So far as I can tell you do not like loud noises, you're a bit of a night owl, and you do NOT like change.

As soon as daddy and I started remodeling the kitchen our schedules changed. I went from getting home from work, cooking dinner, sitting down and eating dinner while having a nice conversation with daddy, cleaning up the house and sitting down on the couch to relax, then shower and off to bed, to coming home, eating quickly, tossing everything in the garbage, and not sitting down until 10:30.

My body venomently rejects any form of physical activity lately. My back spasms, my stomach muscles ache, and my feet swell up like little hobbit feet, minus the curly hobbit hair. The only relief I get is going strait to bed. You, however are making certain that we know how opposed to this new schedule you are by doing the only thing you can from your cozy nook, nothing. You have done absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. No kicking, no jabbing, no squirming, no flutters, Nothing. Which has me a little worried. The only time I know you are alive is when you shift around while I sing to you.

You bent my arm back as far as it would go and I've decided to succumb to your will. Yesterday i did nothing. Unless you call showering, napping, and reading a book, something. I cooked dinner at the stove just like usual and you started to squirm. We sat and ate dinner while having a nice conversation just like usual and you started to kick. I cleaned up after dinner, had a shower and sat on the couch to read a book and you fluttered about contentedly. Then off to bed I went at my regular time and you decided then that it was safe to come out and play but I fell asleep. I'm not so sure you did the same.

At around 2:00 AM I woke slightly to an itch on my belly. I lazily scratched at it in a sleepy haze and that was the end of my sleep. The second my nails made contact with my skin you responded with a flurry of kicks. I laughed and tapped back which was rewarded with a rapid amount of jabs to my tummy. I swear you must have been using all four limbs in sequence to have hit me as fast and as many times as you did. I laughed again and said "Ok, Ok, relax, sheeesh!" But relax you did not. It was play time and you were not going back to sleep. After all we had 5 days worth of playing to make up for. I fell asleep eventually but you carried on using my insides as your own personal bongo drums for the remainder of the night. I think it needless to say mommy is pooped today.

Sensitive Ears

2009-07-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

June. 10

Yesterday I discovered a little something about you. You do not like loud noises. Not in the least. Last night your father was tearing up the peal and stick floors in the kitchen. They were stuck on so good though that he had to get a chisel and a hammer to wedge them off the floor. Because of that there was a lot of loud metal on metal banging of which you did not approve of. I could feel you trying to move away from the noise.

I would wrap my arms around my belly to try to shield you from the sound but I doubt it worked very well. I tried to take you away from the noise at one point and walked into the living room but daddy had the stereo up loud so he could hear it over the noise he was making in the kitchen. As I walked past the stereo the music was at it's loudest and you scurried from one side of my belly to the other as fast as you could to get as far away from the music as possible. Poor baby. I felt so bad. I hid in the computer room after that, until your daddy stopped banging and we could finally rest our ears.

Gifts, Fears and Team Work

2009-07-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

June 9

I bought daddy a present. I can't say what it is just yet for fear he may read this and find out, but it's special. I think he deserves something special. He's been working really hard to make a better life for us when you get here. It's not easy being pregnant, everyone knows that but it's not easy being the daddy to be either. There are a lot of stresses to deal with and a lot of unknowns. I think that if he could feel you kicking inside the way I do it would ease all the worries like it does for me. But that's just not the way it works.

Besides, all the work, stress and fears will all be worth it when we get to hold you in our arms. I'm pretty sure your daddy will cry. He's a big softy that way. I catch him crying at the mooshy parts of movies all the time. I've never said it before but it's one of the little things that I adore about him. I can't wait to see him as a father. I couldn't have picked a better man to play the part.

Some times I'm afraid that you'll be closer to your father then me. It's been a fear that I've always had. He's so loving and playful, silly and eager to make everyone happy. He'll be the one to help you break the rules and sneak you junk food when I'm not looking. And I'm going to be the enforcer of rules, who fights your battles, heals your wounds, nourishes you, and cuddles you to sleep on a stormy night.

Together your father and I will make the greatest team. You may be an adult before you are able to see it that way, but we'll always do what ever we can to give you the best possible life. I promise you that.

Body Snatchers

2009-07-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

June 7

I was some what prepared for a slight change of body structure upon becoming pregnant. I knew with all certainty that my breasts would enlarge and that my belly would grow to enormous proportions. I had NOT however expected to look in the mirror and not recognise the woman staring back at me. I have NO idea where this body came from or who's it is but somebody came in the thick of the night, stole my cute little body and traded it with the lumpy one that stares back at me in the mirror now. It's like your father said the other day, it's like being with a totally different woman.

If someone were to take a picture of me naked from the neck down and then pass me a bunch of pictures of other women from the neck down I would not for the life of me be able to pick out which one I was. Not a chance. I will stand in front of the mirror for 25 minutes some days just staring at the anomaly that is now my body. It's absolutely amazing what the human body will go through in order to create a new life. Amazing and disturbing all at the same time. I have no idea where my intestines and stomach had to relocate them selves in order to accommodate a child within my short little abdomen. Every time my stomach bothers me and I attempt to rub my belly I realize I'm not anywhere near my belly any more. I'm just rubbing the area that now houses my placenta. Which does not make my belly feel any better. But it makes me laugh just the same.

Have I mentioned that I gained 30 pounds?! 30 POUNDS! I'm only 5 months 3 weeks pregnant! I have at least 4 months left to go! Where am I going to put all that weight!? How am I going to walk? No more cookies for you baby. 30 pounds, are you freaking kidding me? The craziest part of it is YOU only take up ONE of those 30 pounds. Yup, just one. Man, I think my back hurts now. How is it going to feel in two months when I've swelled out to the size of a small hippo? I can tell already that this is going to get really ugly. Bring it ON baby, so what if I can't walk, I'm having a baby!

The Hormones Have Taken Control

2009-07-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

June 6

The Hormones have taken control of my mind. I lost control over my body months ago but I had continued hope up until about a week ago, that my mind would remain mine. Recent behaviours of my own doing have since told me otherwise.

My mood of late is tolerant to say the least. I'm mellow at best but always I feel the tinge of intolerance nestling in just behind my nerves waiting for any given reason to strike at unknowing bystanders. Mostly your daddy is prey to this intolerance. The problem with that is that he knows it and pokes at the very nerve where the intolerance is now making it's home. It's almost as though he enjoys watching the fragile calm crack at the seams letting the nastiness within lash out, claws bared and launching fangs first at his neck. I've apologised to him a few times now for my emotional state and he's comforted my by admitting that he's been provoking it.

I'm sure you're eager to hear examples of my craziness and why wouldn't you be. I'd make fun of me too if I wasn't certain I'd start sobbing and ruin the carefully put together mask of happiness I applied for everyone else's benefit.

Let's see, well one day your daddy decided to power wash the back deck to make it look fresh and new again. After he was done he rearranged my carefully put together deck, plants, furniture, lanterns and all. As he did so he also took away a few of the things that I loved the most stating that he disliked them. One of those things being this beautiful black rod iron bird cage with a pot full of morning glories that I had seeded and was nurturing to grow around the cage bars. He riped out my vines from the root and placed the cage off to the side to be discarded.

Very proud of his achievements for the day, he came to get me to show off the new deck, unbeknownst to him the raging sea of emotions festering just below the surface of my happy facade. I took one look at the things he tossed aside and my pretty plant riped and dieing in the shade and totally lost sight of the beautiful and newly cleaned deck. All I could think of is "He ruined ONE more thing of mine" (your daddy breaks all my pretty things. It's a talent of his).

Suddenly the fangs came out. I felt them with a fury that I hadn't expected to arise so abruptly. I quickly took a deep breath, spun around on my heal and walked away, but not before he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Oh oh... Hold it in. Just hold it." I thought to myself. He questioned my abrupt departure. I quickly muttered something about ruining the plant that I had grown from seed and was really excited about simply because he didn't like my bird cage and bolted inside the house before I exploded all over the newly cleaned deck.

I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a scrub brush and some cleaner and decided to take out all the rage on the bath tube tiles. It didn't really work. I sobbed to myself the entire time all the while wondering if I was actually upset about my plant. How could I be this upset over a plant? But I was. I was beyond upset. And I remained that way the entire day. Constantly on the verge of tears and ready at any given moment to vomit the horrid anger within on anyone who dared test me.

It only subsided when finally your father told me to "snap out of it" and I did just that. I SNAPPED! Every nasty thought I had that day came bursting out of my ugly mouth. He stood there and took it all with grace and suddenly it was like 62 pounds had been lifted off of me and I felt fantastic! The intolerance subsided and crawled back to it's cozy corner behind my nerves where it slept and rested up for the next new day to come.

Today's lesson is, walk on glass when your in the presence of an emotionally unstable pregnant woman.

The Baby is Coming!

2009-07-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

June. 4

Yesterday Daddy and I went to my Auntie M's house to celebrate Mandi, Uncle Steve, and MeMere's birthday's. The highlight to the entire evening was when Hayden, your 2 year old cousin, asked auntie Megan and I to take our babies out of our bellies so he could see them. We tried to explain that we couldn't take the babies out until they were ready but he insisted that we show him.

So Auntie Megan laid down on the floor and lifted her top so Hayden could have a good view of her baby bump. That's when he insisted that I do the same. So there we were, Megan and I laying flat on the floor, belly's bared and laughing at Hayden's sheer excitement of it all. That's when Auntie Megan's' belly started to move around because the baby in there was trying to find a comfortable position. Well Hayden nearly jumped out of his pants with excitement, ran to find his uncle Larry and tell him "The baby is coming! it's coming!" Only he was so excited that he couldn't get it out fast enough and stuttered the whole time. But we all got the gist of it. I'm pretty sure Mandi got it on video so maybe you'll get to see it one day.

Nastiness is a Sunny Walk in the Park

2009-07-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

July 2

Daddy and I are trying to get the layout of our new kitchen ready for renovation before you arrive. But so far I've been told that every single element I want for the kitchen can't be done. For a pregnant woman who has crazy amounts of hormones coursing through every fiber of her body making her a ticking time bomb of emotion, it's not going over very well with me. I keep having to hold back the tears, take a deep breath, tell myself to relax, stop to think of a new solution without freaking out and start over.

Your daddy thinks I'm being nasty. But he has no idea just how pleasant I am being. If I were to let out the crazy that is festering inside he'd realize the so called "nasty" was a sunny walk in the park.

After much deliberation and compromise I think we've come up with a final plan. It's going to cost a pretty chunk of money that I am prepared to part with but your father is having trouble coming to grasps with it. I've been ready for 3 years to gut the kitchen regardless of the costs so I'm handling this a little better then your father. He'll be ok. I think. But of course after the kitchen is done we have your room to complete equaling more money. He may have a couple panic attacks here and there before he gets a grip on reality. I however am super excited!

Happiness

2009-07-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

I love you. I just wanted to say that.

One More To Add To The List

2009-06-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

June 29

So apparently one more lovely symptom of pregnancy is the leg spasm. From time to time I'll be laying down getting some much needed beauty rest and upon waking from my restful slumber I will stretch my legs out much like the cat does. That's when I'll notice periodically that my calve muscles tense up. Of course it's never anything major that I can't handle, it's laughable even. Today however I whimpered rather then laughed.

I was in a foul mood upon arriving home from work so I decided I should sleep it off. When I awoke I stretched out my legs as usual and my left calf muscle tensed up so much I thought it might curl up into a ball under my skin! OUCH! I bounced up into a fully wakeful position, grabbed my calf tightly and rubbed vigorously in a useless attempt at soothing the increasing pain. I must have been moaning or whining because the dog came running to my rescue. She paced the edge of the bed whining with me but to no avail. When she realized her valid attempts at comforting me were failing she decided she would be of more use if she was closer to the source of the problem and up she jumped onto the bed to continue her whining and whimpering at the foot of the bed.

I have NO idea what your father was so consumed with because he was only a room away from us but the racket we were creating didn't cause him once to wonder what was going on. Until I hollered out "KEVIN!" He appeared like Super Man in the frame of the bedroom door only milliseconds later wondering if I was dieing I'm sure. "How do you get rid of leg cramps?!" I asked with much impatience in my voice. So he quickly grabbed my calf at the back of my knee and applied pressure while rubbing in circles and instantly my muscle relaxed allowing the dog and I to as well. Whew! That totally SUCKED!

Story Time

2009-06-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

June 27

Today was your cousin Malcolm's 1st Birthday party. I drove up to Lisa and James' house with Leigh Anne, Mandi and Hayden. Hayden wanted me to take you out of my belly so he could see you. He's so cute. I think that the two of you will be good friends one day. The great thing about seeing them today was that Leigh brought the Dr. Seuss book they gave me a month ago that I left at their house. So now I can finally read to you!

Which is exactly what I did. I sat my bum down on the couch, made sure I was cozy. Mika sat on the arm of the couch and Kota laid at my feet while I commenced to read Oh Baby The Places You Will Go. I'll be honest I hadn't really expected anything astonishing to happen. I just assumed that you heard me talk all day and therefore wouldn't distinguish between my normal chatter with other people and telling you a story. Well once again I was so very wrong.

After about the 3rd page into the story you started to flutter around like there was a bird trapped inside my belly. That's the best way I can describe the sensation of a baby moving around in your tummy. It really does feel like you swallowed a bird and it's frantically fluttering around trying to find it's way out. Of course you were not trying to find a way out. You were just responding to my voice and somehow knew that I wasn't talking to just anyone but was in fact talking to you.

By the end of the story I was in tears and trust me it's not an emotional or touching story by any means. It's silly and goofy just like any other Dr. Seuss story but the very last words written on the last page are something along the lines of "I'm so excited to meet you". So of course I couldn't help but cry because I really am so very excited to meet you Monsie.

The Picture attatched was me trying to get a good aerial view of my belly so you could see what I look at while I talk to you but my arms aren't long enough!

Mighty Michael

2009-06-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

Jun. 25

When I was a young girl I had heard of a great Rock legend who had died tragically in his home one evening. The world came to a halt and mourned the loss of Elvis Presley The King of Rock. Massive memorials were held in public parks, fans brought candles and flowers to his home, people every where were devastated and in shock at the loss of this one man, of whom most of them had never met. I grew up loving Elvis Presley's music. There was no question as to why he effected so many people. But it was not until today that I understood for the very first time what it is like to hear the announcement of an Icon's passing. To know that a man who I grew up admiring has died and will never be seen, heard or felt again.

Today I came home from work. I logged onto my computer to check to see if Kristin had responded to a question I had sent her about prenatal classes and the first thing I saw was a message from a girl I know stating that Michael Jackson was dead. Doubt instantly entered my mind. There's no way Michael could be dead. He just can't be.

I walked away from my computer and turned on the TV. If Michael was truly gone from this world every Television station known to man would be covering the story. Much to my horror that is precisely what was occurring.

I watched with skepticism and disbelief. He's not dead. No one could confirm it. He can't be dead. And then the dreaded announcement. The LA coroner announced that Michael had indeed died today. Tears welled up in my eyes, my heart heaved and a sad whimpering "Noooooo" escaped my lips. "NO! No, not Michael, no please no". Tears flowed freely from my eyes. Kota, our dog, stared at me with concern and Mika, my cat tried to cuddle with me when she heard my distress. Even you started to swim around with great effort and vigor. Nothing could sooth me. I was devastated.

It occurred to me then, just how much a man whom I have never met could influence and alter my life. I started listening to him when he was just a child, when he was a teenager I was still just a kid and then he came out with the album Thriller and I was hooked on Michael for life. To say he was a musical genius was a vast understatement. Auntie Mandi and Leigh used to hide behind the couch while uncle Steve and I would sit on it, eyes glued to the TV set, every time the music video for Thriller came on. We would dance in the basement to all his songs, have fashion shows set to his music and I had an autographed photo of him that I would kiss on a regular basis. He was my idol. His music lifted my spirits and excited me no matter what my mood.

But more then that, artistically he inspired me immensely. NO one was more imaginative, original, and aw inspiring then he was. What's more important then his work is that he was kind, and wanted to change the world by getting the message to people that love is the answer to all the worlds problems. There just isn't enough love and understanding and most of all you had to start with the children. You will know what I'm talking about one day. We'll watch his videos and dance to his music together. There is no doubt in my mind that you will love him as much as your father and I do.

And although you may never understand the moment we shared today or why I was brought to tears, causing you to swim around in distress, maybe one day you will be lucky enough to be influenced by an artistic genius who brings out the life in you, the excitement and imagination the way Michael Jackson did for me.

My Friend Billie

2009-06-24T08:14:00.001-07:00

June. 22

I'm having a rough day today Monsie. I've had a beautiful lop eared bunny named Billie for the past five years. She's so sweet and calm and cuddly. She likes to tuck her head under my chin and snuggle there for a while. You would really like her. But sadly fate has decided that the two of you shall never meet because Billie died this morning and I already miss her.

If you are anything like me Munchkin you are going to love every single creature on this earth and do your damnedest to bring them all home to live with you. So you too will be no stranger to losing your pets to death. And I'm so very sorry to tell you this but no matter how old you get it never really gets easier. I can't wait until you get a little older and you and I can go out one day and find ourselves a little Billie to love together.

Daddy's Day

2009-06-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

June. 21

Today was Father's day. I was hoping that your daddy would be home today to spend time with us but he's working as usual. He's out making money and a better future for us, being the best man he knows how to be. I bought your daddy a card and a gift from you seeing as you can't exactly do that for your self any time soon. You're gift to him is the 1st season of a show on TV called The Flight Of the Concords. It's a wacky, odd ball, sort of musical about 2 musicians who are really quite clueless about life in general. One day maybe you'll watch it and either love it for it's retro weirdness or completely dislike it because it's humour is lost on you, much like your father and Monte Python, which I love! But he doesn't get it. No body is perfect right?

The rest of the day you and I spent on the back patio of my parents house with my daddy and mom. Memere Lucie, Great Grandpa Ken, Uncle Steve and Auntie Megan were there too. I felt like we were all living in the south on an old plantation, sitting in the shade, sipping on lemon ice water, swatting the bugs away and staring off at nothing in the back field. Such a lazy day.

A Real Pain in the Placenta

2009-06-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

June. 17

Would you like to know a little something about me? I like to have control. You may or may have not noticed that about me. It has it's good points and it's bad points. I'm working on the bad points and your daddy is my biggest inspiration for that. But for the most part I like my need to have control over myself. I am and always have been my own boss. That aspect of me has kept me out of a lot of trouble, especially when I was a teenager. My need to have control over everything I did kept me from following the wrong crowd and doing things just because - someone else did it so why shouldn't I? A very large part of me hopes you inherit that part of me. It will cause me copious amounts of frustration I'm sure but in the end I'll know at least that NO one will make you do anything you didn't want to do. And that will be comforting.

Part of my need to control stimulates my need for knowledge. If something is going on around me I need to know everything about it. Knowledge is power you know. The more you know the better equipped you are to handle any situation. With being pregnant that means that I NEED to know everything! I can't absorb enough information. But if any twist or turn should come, and twists always do with pregnancy, I'll be prepared. Everything is less scary when you know what is going on.

With all my research I realised that all the medicine and pain killers that are available out there to ease the pains of labour can actually be quite harmful. They are so vastly used in every day practice that I had only assumed they were completely safe. Not the case at all! Epidurals for example have a plethora of negative side effects. So much so in fact that if you want one you have to sign a waver stating that if anything goes wrong the hospital is not viable for the end results.

The part that I find the least comforting is the knowledge that the baby comes out drugged up. The baby can take up to 6 weeks to filter out the narcotic from their system causing the baby to be drowsy upon birth, lack of muscle control, inability or problems suckling and feeding, decreased ability to track an object visually or to shut out noise and bright light, irritability and inconsolability . There were at least 19 other side effects on the mother but for me the side effects on my child were the deal breaker. If my child was going to suffer in order for me to have an easier labour then there was no way in HELL I was going to allow that to happen.

So it was decided upon. I am going to have a natural labor. And hence forth more research resumed. That was when I decided upon my current birth plan. I am so completely eager about this plan that I have absolutely no fear of giving birth only pure excitement.

I am going to give birth in the water. If you know anything about me you would know that I'm a fish. I adore everything about the water. As a child I would spend umpteen plus hours in the pool. My lips would be blue, teeth chattering, skin bubbled up like an over dried prune and I would insist that I had not spent enough time in the water. As an adult I spend vast amounts of time in the bathtub. It's my sanctuary. My happy place. So it only seemed natural that I would deliver you in the water.

It will take place in a birthing pool. The water is heated which calms the mother, eases the pains of labour and relaxes the muscles. The buoyancy of the water lifts the uterus, baby and belly upwards, taking all the pressure off of the pelvis allowing the body relief from the stress of contractions. Thus the body stops producing adrenalin and starts producing oxitonin and endorphins, the bodies natural pain killers and mood enhancers. Labor is sped up and you will be born into a warm pool of water just like the warm pool of water you've been living in for 10 months.

Sounds perfect right? Well it is except Kristin called us yesterday to tell us that although the ultrasound shows you are healthy and developing normally, my placenta implanted too low and that if it doesn't move by the time you are due I can't have a natural labour. I may in fact need a c-section. My worst nightmare. It also means that daddy and I have to be very careful. That means no hanky panky or late night wrestling matches. We can't do anything that may upset my placenta. The placenta is the fluffy tissue that filters out all the bad stuff from my body and lets in all the good stuff to feed you with.

The good news is that Kristin says that 90% of the time the placenta will move up as the uterus grows thus allowing me to have the natural birth I intended on. I'm not worried. I have complete faith that everything will turn out beautifully. It always does in the end.

My Little Hero

2009-06-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

June. 16

You know what I love about you? I love that you can comfort me when I'm upset. You're going to be my little protector. That little child who comes to the rescue and tries to cheer mommy up when ever she seems blue. Do you know how I know this? I know because you've already started. Yesterday I didn't feel you move much at all and while I was pretending not to notice it I still felt a tinge of worry. Today I still didn't feel you much and then the afternoon crept up and I started to cramp. The cramping got bad enough that my mind went to that scary place that I dare not speak of. Then just as I was about to get concerned for your health you started dancing around letting me know that you were ok. It seems that every time I start to worry you can sense it and your little body musters up the energy to thud me hard enough to snap me out of it. This isn't the first time you've done that either. It's more like third or fourth time. Thank you for always coming to my rescue.

The Weekend

2009-06-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

June. 14

This past weekend wasn't an overly thrilling one so to speak but a lot of things did happen. It started off with our 20 week ultra sound at St. Joe's. You were a little hyper this time about your photo shoot and decided to hide. The technician made me roll over on my side trying to force you out of your hiding spot. It worked! But we didn't get very good pictures of you this time because you were squirming around too much. Much to daddy's disappointment.

Later that day Grandma Jane and Auntie Ann came over for a visit. They brought dinner and gifts. Grandma brought you a DVD to watch that will help put you (and likely me) to sleep, the sweetest little teddy bear that says a prayer for you when you squeeze it's belly. Daddy thinks it's creepy (I think the bears voice scares him a little), all wrapped up in a blanket for you. Auntie Ann bought you little tiny socks and onsies that match with frogs, stripes, and stars on them. They're so little.

Papa dropped off the guitar for daddy. So now all we have to do is get a guitar string and a new peg to hold the string in place and then we are in the music business baby! Well, daddy will be playing lullaby's for us at least anyway.

On Sunday Daddy, Uncle Steve, Auntie Meg and I went to a giant baby shower for all the pregnant women in town. Which turned out to be a big waist of time. BUT I did get some information that may come in handy AND Auntie Meg and I convinced the guys to take us to the Stoney Creek Dairy for ice cream instead. So the pregnant ladies were happy and that's what really matters. If Mommy is happy then Daddy is happy or so they say.

You should see your Auntie Megan. She's so cute. Her belly is so round and full. But she's had a rough pregnancy. Her body is so muscular and fit that it's fighting all the renovations that are going on inside to accommodate for her little one growing in there. So she seems to be always in pain. BUT on the bright side you're going to have a cousin to greet you when you arrive a couple months later!

You're Fat

2009-06-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

June 12

There are a few really dense men out there. For some reason these few men think that when a woman is pregnant it gives them free licence to comment on their weight gain. MOST men know better then to EVER even dare tell a pregnant woman she's fat. But of course there are the odd few who ate lead paint chips in their youth and never did get back those couple thousand brain cells they killed off.

There is one man in particular that I know. He supervises the maintenance staff in my office building. The fist time I realised he was one of the unlucky few to have 0 common sense with women was when I walked into the building one day and he approached me arching his back as far as it would go, filled his cheeks with air like he was a blow fish, and walked towards me as if he may have shoved a large pickle up his rear end. From what I gathered he was trying to make fun of the fact that I had a belly and was trying to tell me I was fat without using any logical words.

I didn't laugh at him like he was hoping I would, rather, I stared at him as though there must have been a large monkey hanging off his back that was throwing it's own feces at him. I continued walking towards my office without uttering a word.

You see if he was smart he would have understood by my reaction that I wasn't overly amused by his mockery. But of course that must have been asking too much because today he came to me and said "You're looking different lately" "oh ya?" I replied. "Ya" he said "It must be because your fat". Nice, i thought to myself. "OH, that's nice" I said as sarcastically as possible. "Next time, I may punch you in the face. So watch yourself" Woops! did that really come out of my mouth? Yes, Yes i think it did. So munchkin the moral to this story is; if you want to keep your teeth, don't call a pregnant woman fat.

Shoe Shopping Time

2009-06-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

June. 11

I just learned that some pregnant women's feet grow a whole size! A whole SIZE! That just can't happen to me! I have far too many shoes that I would have to throw away and then replace. Huh... actually when it's put like that it doesn't sound so bad does it? I would get to go shopping. BUT no! that would cost me a near fortune. You just can't do it to me Monster! You've taken control of my boobs, my thighs, my tummy and my butt but please just leave my feet alone! Speaking of which, my feet are swollen. I'm only 5 months pregnant and my feet are already swelling. Not a good sign. I have very tiny ankles and very prominent ankle bones. But right now I am so swollen that I'm completely void of ankle bones. Looks like no more salty pickles for mommy. I'm going to go an pout now.

Baby Mozart

2009-06-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

June 10

I read once that if you play classical music for your baby that it may develop I liking for the music which will calm and sooth it when upset. There is also speculation that it will help your baby to develop faster as well as further develop it's level of intelligence. But there is no proof of that of course. But I thought I'd give it a try anyway. Classical music always brings me a sense of general contentment.

Today while at work, I found a web site of the top 100 Mozart songs. I plugged in my head phones, wrapped them around my belly and pressed play. Much to my surprise you started to swim around in there. It wasn't a bouncing or kicking movement, but more so a swishing. Almost like i had a gold fish swimming in my tummy. I'm not sure of course, but I think you like it!

I've been trying to get your daddy to get his Guild Guitar back from your Papa so that daddy can play to you while I nap. But so far I've had no luck. I think that if daddy plays to you while you are in my womb that when you are born and he plays to you that you feel calm and content. So I'm going to keep trying. Until then you're going to have to be content with Mozart little one.

Oh Baby The Places You Will Go

2009-06-09T09:30:00.001-07:00

June 9

Your daddy has taken to calling you Monster as of late. I guess Poppy didn't suit you any more. I think Monster is kinda of cute though so I get the feeling that nick name is going to stick.

I saw your cousins Leigh Anne and Hayden on the weekend. They gave me a book to read to you while your are in my belly. It's called Oh Baby the Places You will Go by Dr. Seuss. I'm supposed to read it to you as often as I can while you are all cozied up in my tummy. Studies show that if I do this now, once you are born and I read it to you out loud you will recognise the story. This will apparently create a bond between us early on in your life. But I forgot it at Leigh's house!!!! Of course I did! I can't remember anything any more. I had no idea how bad the so called Baby Brain would be. But everything they say is true. I can't retain any thing any more. My short term memory has taken a temporary leave of absence for an undisclosed period of time. So for now, until I get my book back I sing to you. I hope you like The Mocking Bird song! Because you are going to be hearing a lot of it.

Bouncing Baby Chilli

2009-06-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

June 8

I made daddy chilli today. He's been working over and beyond what most people would call over time. He hasn't come home before 10:30 at night all week. And when he does he scrounges around like a rat for anything to eat. So today I made him chilly to eat for when he finally came home at 1:00 in the morning. But before he came I decided to help myself to a small bowl. They say that spicy food will often make a baby in the uterus jump around a lot. The baby can't taste the spice of course but they say that endorphins are released in a persons body when they eat spicy food. Endorphins are hormones that make people happy and feel little pain. So I would imagine the baby is jumping around in there because it's suddenly really happy for no reason at all! But I'm no Doctor so I could be wrong.

Anyways! I was hoping it would work on you. I've been dieing to feel you kick! I only get a tiny little poke every now and then but it's only about once a week and I'm always so nervous about whether you are ok or not that I find myself trying to coax you into kicking me. I may regret that one day. I ate the whole bowl and low and behold you were bouncing around like a chimpanzee! I sat there with a grin on my face, and a hand on my belly feeling all your little jabs and pokes. It was one of the best nights of my life. We should do that again soon some time.

Warning Attached

2009-06-07T06:14:00.001-07:00

June 3

It would seem to me that there are plenty of things about pregnancy that NO one tells you about. They just let you figure it out on your own. Pregnancy should come with a list of warnings.

Warning!: Your butt will enlarge to twice it's normal size. The bum cheeks may or may not rub together due to the abnormal size, which may or may not cause chaffing. Keep a tube of chap stick near by in case chaffing becomes to unbearable.

Thighs may take on an unnatural size. You may notice them starting to touch. If they become too close for comfort you may find a dash of baby powder useful to discourage any unsightly thigh sweat.

Legs, knees, and butt cheeks will undoubtedly become riddled with a dimply cottage cheese effect. Do not be alarmed by this. You are packing on fat to store away for when your breasts start to produce milk. This cottage cheese effect is known as cellulite.

The area between your shoulder and your elbow will start to swell. You will notice that area becoming very unflattering to your overall physic. Do not wave your arms about if you do not like the idea of your arms jiggling like chicken fat on a windy day. Long sleeves are recomended.

Once your breasts engorge to 3 times their natural size you may notice that they often get in the way of your normal every day activities. They will start to rest on your stomach when you sit down or sloutch. This sensation is not the most appealing. A large amount of cream under each breast will stop them from rubbing abrasivly against the skin of your baby bump.

There is a relativly good chance that pimples will invade your once pretty skin. And no, we are not just talking about your facial area. No skin is safe from an acene attack. Your chest, forehead, chin, back, thighs and bum may all become victems to this evil. I have no suggestions to remedy this ailment other then to invest in plenty of concealer.

I've heard that a woman's hair becomes full, beautiful, bouncy and lustrous when pregnant. This is a vicious lie. SOME women may be so lucky, most will have limp, dull, and relatively average hair that will grow far faster then any hair dresser could possibly keep up with.

When having your picture taken you may want to keep in mind to tilt your head slightly up and to the side. This will give the illusion that you have not developed a double chin because trust me YOU WILL. It will be barley noticeable to you when you are applying your make up in the morning but heed this warning, much to your horror it WILL show up in pictures.

You may find body hair growing in areas that were once void of hair. Due to the fact that that area is normally void of body hair it may go unnoticed until one day out of the blue that hair gets so long it becomes entangled in your telephone cord while you are having a friendly chat with your best friend. Yank it out right away! Do not let that unwelcome visitor feel welcome in it's new home on your neck!

That is enough terrifying information for now. More warnings to come in the near future.

Wacked Out Dreams

2009-06-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

May. 29

Pregnancy dreams are SO weird! and last night I had the weirdest! In this wildly unusual dream my friend Heather and I were both pregnant. We both had the same mid wife, both in labor, and were going to deliver our babies at a birthing center rather then at home. We were in this huge navy blue hot tub just relaxing and chilling out. But Heather was in obvious labor. She would grab onto the faucet every now and then and flinch in pain so I could only assume she was having contractions. Lorn, her husband, was with us, hanging over the edge of the tub. We were all just chatting then suddenly heather had a major contraction and BAM! delivered bed sheets for a babies crib. They were burgundy with a white satin trim! And NO one thought that was odd at all.

Heather was excitedly admiring her new sheets when suddenly a baby popped out. Only Heather had thought she must have delivered more sheets. I quickly reached over and lifted the baby out of the water to her chest and said... "No Heather! You just delivered your SON!" That was when I started crying. Heather grabbed him but he was sealed in a clear plastic bag. I came to the rescue once more and grabbed a pair of scissors that I must have been keeping for emergency purposes hinched in my bra strap or SOMETHING because I have NO idea where they came from, cut a hole in the bag, Heather pulled him out and nuzzled him to her face and chest. I still felt Nothing though. No contractions, no pain, nothing.

Meanwhile Lorn was concerned with the size of his new baby's penis. He thought it must be swollen because it was too large. Then the three of them got up to dry themselves off and I was alone. Still no pain but I delivered a bag full of breast feeding materials.

Weird. So very weird.

Tummy Punches

2009-06-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

May. 27

I felt you jump around last night. I was relaxing on the couch, fighting back the sleep that was trying to drag me down into oblivion, when suddenly - thump, thump, just under my belly button. Almost like you were knocking. I smiled to myself and pictured your tiny little fist punching away at my tummy. Your hand couldn't be any bigger then a small raisin. I slowly let the sleep take over after that and had silly dreams to the commercials that were playing on the TV.

Today was another midwife appointment with Genevieve. You're heart rate today was a healthy 148 beats per minute. I learned that the placenta is in the right position and that it is anterior. Meaning that it's at the back by my spine. Of course I had no idea what that really meant. Apparently it means that when you grow I'll be able to feel you more because there will be nothing in the way of you and my belly. Which made daddy happy. So hopefully that means I'll be getting more evening punches from you. We can hang out on the couch together at night, you'll punch and kick at me and I'll giggle and tell you what's on TV. Sounds heavenly.

Battles and Lullabies

2009-06-02T09:27:00.001-07:00

There's a lot of excitement going on around here. Daddy's sisters are in a competition over who's going to be the favourite aunt. Auntie Laura insists she's going to be the cool aunt but Auntie Ann refuses to take that one sitting down and states that due to the fact that she's the musical one she's going to teach you how to play guitar and therefore she'll be the cooler aunt. I think they're both right. Your Auntie Ann has a beautiful voice. If you are lucky she will sing to you when the two of you are hanging out. But I'm pretty sure the person who will be teaching you guitar will be your daddy. When I met him he was a pretty mean guitar player. He's been too busy lately building us a future to play but once you are born I'll make sure he plays for you. I like to have naps while he strums away. He always plays lullaby type music, so soft, so sweet, so great to nap to. I think you'll agree.

Auntie Laura

2009-06-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

May. 18

Your Auntie Laura is so excited about you that she won't stop calling your daddy. He says that she's called him every single day since she found out about you, sometimes twice a day! This is highly unusual of course because the two of them don't really converse over the phone. So your daddy is starting to feel a little overwhelmed by her sudden burst of chattiness. I think it's hilarious. So I'm guessing by her jubliance that she's going to make certain that she's your favourite aunt. You'll like her. She's a lot like me in ways, only a little more wild and a little more outspoken and lots of fun. Of course by the time you can read any of this I'll likely have lost all of my wild and fun side. So when ever you get the chance remind me that I need to loosen up a little. One of my biggest fears about being a mom is that I'll take it too seriously and forget to have fun. Don't let me get too serious Munchkin. That's going to be your job, to keep me young and full of life. I may make it challenging at times but I think you'll be able to handle it. And in the mean time if I've forgotten my fun side you'll have Auntie Laura to teach you.

Restroom PLEASE!

2009-06-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

May. 11

You may not know this but pregnant woman can't hold their liquid very well. When there is a baby bouncing on your bladder it makes it difficult to keep anything in for very long. So needless to say the toilette and I have become very good friends. I'm telling you this tid bit of information because I need you to understand the agony of an Ultra Sound.

Ultra Sounds are bitter sweet really. On one hand you get to see your little baby for the first time hanging out inside your womb. On the other hand in order for the ultra sound to work you have to have a full bladder. I can't hold much liquid for longer then 15 minutes. But I was expected to chug a liter of water before arriving at the Ultra Sound appointment and THEN they make you wait for 10 minutes before they take you away to a very dimly light room with a bed and a computer. You lay down on the bed where a bunch of cold jelly is squeezed out onto your abdomen and the lovely lady holding a probe pushes down on your belly with said probe for 30 minutes. I laid there holding my pee in as best I could for what seemed like 4 hours. Every time she pushed down I thought I was going to knee her in the head. I'm not a violent person but my body was telling me jump off that table and PEE for the love of God! I couldn't even see the screen she was looking at which seemed so unfair. Why did she get to see you and not me?! If I had a baby to look at I might be able to forget that my bladder was on the verge of bursting.

Just about the time I was about to nod off to sleep the lovely probe lady disappeared. Thankfully only a minute later she reappeared with daddy! That could only mean it was time for us to get our first glimpse of you. The lovely probe lady put the probe back onto my jellied belly and the picture on the computer monitor jumped and then there you were. Just chilling out. You were all relaxed, arms at your side, feet up in the air and legs crossed just like you were hanging out on the beach catching some rays. And no matter how much lovely probe lady poked at you you didn't budge from that position. You'd open your mouth from time to time. Probably to yell at her for disrupting your beach time. Your daddy made some sounds of aw and excitement every time you opened your mouth. And then it was over. Probe lady printed out a picture for us to hang on the fridge and I ran out of the room to find the nearest washroom!

Mother's Day

2009-06-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

May 10

Today is mother's day. And what a better gift for a mom then to tell her she's going to be a grandma?! Right? Well daddy didn't come home until this morning from his golf trip with the guys so we missed the mothers day breakfast we were supposed to have with his mom. As soon as he got home I forced him into the shower because he smelled like man, prettied him up and jumped in the van hoping to catch Grandma on her way out. But no dice my little buddy. We missed her. So we left her card on the tv stand where she would find it when she got home.

The card looked just like a save the date card for a wedding. The front said Save the Date and when you opened it there was another card that said 10 - 31 - 09. Behind the card was a piece of satin brown ribbon that when you tugged on it pulled up a picture of me with a baby bump, a giant grin and me pointing at you in my belly.

Next stop was Memere's and Grandpa's house. This wouldn't be a surprise at all though. I'm positive my mother has known from the beginning. She stares at my belly when she thinks I'm not looking. Apparently she doesn't think i have very good peripheral vision.

When she opened her card she didn't even bother pulling on the brown satin ribbon. No, no... she just started shouting "Are you pregnant!?" I would reply with "MOM! pull the ribbon! Don't ruin my card" she ignored me and yelled again "Are you pregnant?!" "MOM pull the ribbon! You suck!" Finally rather then pull the ribbon like she was told to do she just rips off the the back card to find the picture underneath and she jumps up to hug me. She called me a brat And I called her a jerk for destroying my card.

My dad doesn't show excitement ever. You just get a big goofy grin from him instead. Not only did I get a big goofy grin but I also got a goofy hug to go along with it.

Night came fast and we arrived home early so daddy could go to bed and catch up on all the sleep he lost while he was on his trip. There was a message left for us on the phone from Grandma congratulating us on our very exciting news, and with that our day was complete.

Got a Pickle?

2009-06-01T12:51:00.001-07:00

May. 8

There is a purple dress in my closet that I've been dieing to wear. It's so cute but it shows my belly SO much. I haven't really told anyone at work yet other then Heather, Jenn and Cristina. But I wanted to wear that dress so bad! So I decided wearing the pretty purple dress was how I was going to tell the office that you were coming.

I curled my hair, pulled on my dress and slipped on a pair of hot pink strapy heals, grabbed my purse and trotted off to work excited for the day ahead.

I sit at the very front of the office so as people walked in I yelled "I"m going to be a mom!" Soon enough I had a crowd of excited women surrounding me asking for details and rubbing my baby bump. Not surprisingly everyone seemed to all ready know I was pregnant. But I already knew that. It only took about 5 minutes before I realised that I didn't like this much attention because that's when I suddenly became flushed with heat and my armpits started itching. My pits itch when they're about to release an unusual amount of liquid. I never sweat! So when I do the glands in my pits put up a big fuss about having to work.

Apparently the dead give away that I was indeed preggers was my vast and unusual change in eating habits. Heather said that once I went from eating rabbit food, to eating sausage and potatoes there was no doubt in her mind that I was eating for two. I guess I should have hid that better! Normally I don't really like meat but I'm SO hungry all the time! Speaking of which, I could really use a pickle.

Heartbeat!

2009-05-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

May. 7

Dear GOD child! Do you have to scare me near the edge of my sanity!? I started cramping early yesterday morning. I woke up with a throbbing discomfort in your general vicinity. So i took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and force myself back to sleep, but not before promising myself that if the cramps were still there in the morning I wouldn't leave the safety of my bed.

Six o'clock a.m. crept up on me the next morning. The first thing I noticed was that the sky was still a hazy blue gray colour and then I noticed the cramps. I rolled over to my right, reached for the Barbie doll pink cell phone that your father bought me, much to my guffaw, for Christmas and called in sick to work. I stayed in bed all day.

You father called shortly after 10:00 a.m. in a panic because someone at my office had told him that I had stayed home sick. Before that he hadn't called me at all. That day he called me 5 times to see if we were ok.

Night came and I slept with my hands over top of you. I'm not sure why really, it just seemed natural for me to hold you. I awoke some many hours later to a light thudding under my hand. I knew instantly that you were doing your best to tell me you were still there. It must have taken some major effort on your part too because you are only the size of a lemon and yet somehow mustered up enough strength to bounce under my hand hard enough to wake me up. That should have put my mind at ease but the next morning I was still cramping so I called the midwife to ask for advice. She told me to come in and we could listen to hear for your heart beat to put my mind at ease. I jumped out of bed, ripped off my PJs, thew on a pair of pants and a cute green top, whipped my hair back into a pony tail, brushed my teeth so not to knock anyone out, and called a cab. I could have taken the van but I was so frazzled and rarely drove as it is so I opted to not endanger any lives including my own.

As soon as I sat on the edge of Genvieve's bed I realised how certain I was that you were fine. But my head kept interfering with what my gut was telling me. My head was still worried. My head remember how I cramped the last time just before I miscarried. So I laid down and lifted my top to let Genevieve find you with the microphone. Just as she was starting to tell me not to panic if she didn't find your heart beat right away there it was... music to my ears. Your heart was beating so fast, so clear and so strong. 158 beats per minute. "Oh thank God" I said as I exhaled loudly.

I bounced out of the office and onto a bus and skipped all the way home counting tulips in the neighbours gardens. I could not possibly have been happier. I text messaged your daddy one word that spoke a thousand, "HEARTBEAT!"

I decided to enjoy the rest of my day and hung out in the garden with Dakota and Mika. We lounged in the sun, drank fresh squeezed lemonade, listened to happy music, and ate breakfast sausage and egg sandwiches. MMMmmmm! What a great day!

Never Would Be Better

2009-05-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

May. 1

Your daddy is leaving me! I hate when he leaves me! He and a few guys are taking a road trip down to Myrtle Beach for a week of golf. I'll be alone. ALL ALONE! I always feel so wounded when he leaves me behind. The dog and I sulk for a few days because the house is so quiet and then we eventually get used to being alone and actually start to enjoy our selves. But of course as soon as that happens he comes back! Mostly I'm just scared that something may happen when he's gone and I'll have no one to comfort me.

You see I told your daddy that this time around I was confident that you will stay. I feel that way because this time rather then being filled with the bliss and joy of knowing I am with child, I am full of fear and anticipation. What if I'm not good enough to be your mom? What if you don't like me? What if i can't answer all of the many questions you are going to ask me? What if you hate me for punishing you when you are bad so that you grow up to be a caring, responsible adult? What if you never understand that I was always looking out for your best interests? What if I can't protect you from all the bad out there? There are just too many what ifs? The reality of it is terrifying.

But despite the fact that I think you are here to stay... you may have different plans. And it would be just my luck that you decide to part ways with me while daddy's on vacation! So munchkin... if you don't mind doing mommy a little favour? I would really appreciate it if you're deciding to jump ship to hold off for a week or so or never. Never would be better.

Lemonade anyone?

2009-05-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

April. 24

I can't do up my pants! I really can't! I decided that's it! Today I'm going out and buying clothes! So I called Lisa up and told her we were going shopping! When she arrived at the house I handed her a lemon. I told her that when she guess what the Lemon was then I would give her a present. She guessed we were going to make lemonade, we were opening a lemon stand and something about desert... Lisa is always thinking about desert. So I let her off the hook and told her that the lemon was the approximate size of the tiny baby growing in my belly. She laughed and cuddled the lemon and then gave me crap for not telling her earlier and then understood why I needed to go shopping!

So we shopped and I bought some beautiful tops that successfully hide my baby bump. Thank Goodness!

Belly Blues

2009-05-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

Apr. 22, 2009

My tummy is big. Seriously. I've been wearing baggy cloths to cover it but it's not really working any more. I swear my friends Cristina and Heather at work laugh at me behind my back saying... ah... does she really think she's fooling anyone?

I swear my mother knows. She stares at me when she thinks I'm not looking and she watches what I eat. One day I was eating a jalapeno popper and she tells me

"Hun, those are hot"
"yes mother I know that."
"but they're hot. like really hot"
"I know. I've eaten them before"

Then she looks at me with that look of - You should listen to me cuz I know what I'm talking about So I say " are you referring to the fact that you think it will give me heart burn mom? cuz I'll be fine"Then she gives me the look of - Oooops! Did i make that obvious?

My rear end is expanding, my back fat has doubled, I have cellulite, pimples on my chest!, and I found a grey HAIR! Not to mention that I ache, my back hurts and my muscles hurt. It's like i played a serious game of foot ball the night before and I'm just smoothing out the kinks. And then it goes away!

Coffee tastes like cigarette ashes, I'm SO tired (but getting better), it's hard to breath - mostly at night. My face is getting fat! God is punishing me with that one. I made fun of Alicia when she told me that her face was fat. I just couldn't see it but, much to my dismay now I understand what she meant. I LOOK DIFFERENT!

I've been wearing Maternity clothing for 2 weeks now cuz I can't fit into my pants and I'm not even 3 months yet. I feel so silly. I'm starting to wonder what the point of shaving is any more. If I shave at 8:30 by 11:15 it's right back to normal. So really what's the point. So what if I'm a hairy plump little Sasquatch. I'm pregnant! I think that gives me certain allowances to be unattractive to major public.

I can't stop eating! I eat constantly. Kevin can't understand where all the food keeps going, and Heather watches me in the lunch room with mild amusement as I horf down my two sandwiches, yogurt, oatmeal, and apple. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak show. A hairy, round, famished freak show.

Yesterday when Kevin came home from work I lifted my top and bumped his belly with my belly. He looked down and said with concerned excitement... "WHAT IS THAT!? there is no way ONE baby is in there! What is that!?"

I think I will feel better when I've told people. Then I won't care so much that I have a giant protruderance growing out from where my once tiny waist was. But I still don't really want to tell anyone. I tried to tell my friend Lisa last week but every time I tried I got SO nervous that I fumbled with my words! So i decided I wasn't ready yet. BUT good news! I've already passed the point of where I was with my last one. WOO HOO! I miscarried at 11 weeks and 3 days. I'm now 12 weeks and 4 days. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

Frog in My Throat

2009-05-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

April. 18

Lisa and I went out for a walk along our favourtie street, Lock Street. It's full of beautiful little shops that we drool over but never buy anything from. There is a little crepe resteraunt there that we desided to check out. I had a deliciouse chicken and mushroom cepe with all kinds of gooey cheese and sauce! It was soooo yummy. There were at least 5 times during that day that I tried to tell Lisa about you but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I tried butterflies would swarm my stomach, I would get shakey, my nerves took over and nothing would come out of my mouth. I realised then that I was definitely not ready to tell anyone about you yet. Maybe next week.

Only Rich People Own Bidets

2009-05-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

Apr. 1, 2009

What a glorious day! It was sunny and warm! I left work early to go to my very first prenatal appointment with Kristin my midwife. I completely spazed out and got on the wrong bus which took me in the exact opposite direction of where I was meaning to go. But no worries, I got off and decided to walk in the sun. I arrived at my appointment with 30 minutes to spare! Kristin seemed happy to see me, as I was her. We've known each other since we were in Kindergarten. I used to be amazed by her parents bathroom. It was enormous, plus it had a bidet. So of course I assumed she must be rich. Only rich people bought bum washers. I could have been wrong but no one has disproved that theory since.

She took some blood for testing from me and I didn't pass out! The last time I gave blood I was 16 years old and I fainted in the Dr.'s office, hence forth I was deemed a fainter and NO ONE ever took my blood again. Which of course was not a major issue for me. And guess what!? I heard your heart beat! Kristin put a kind of microphone up to my belly that is attached to a speaker, called a Doppler. Your little heart was beating so fast. It was so exciting. Your father was a little jealous when I told him. So he's coming to my next appointment.

A Balloon Sized Grape?

2009-05-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

Mar. 20, 2009

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, you are the size of a grape and I look like I swallowed a rather large balloon. My belly is huge! There's no hiding it either I try and suck it in but to no avail. It's just too darn big. One day while in the kitchen I lifted my top and told your daddy that I was growing more then one baby in there. His eyes popped out of their sockets and he said "Do you think?! What if it's twins!?" I told him if it was twins we were moving to a bigger house. Then he told me that he's been wishing for twins! WHAT!? WHY would he do that to me!? Two babies!? That would mean 24 poopy diapers a day! And what about my poor boobs?! Or my belly!? I can't have a floppy elephant skin belly, all stretched out to no man's land. Call me shallow but I can't be folding up my belly and tucking it into my pants every day. I realize how selfish I am sounding and there is an up side to having two babies at once... I wouldn't have to get pregnant ever again. However, regardless of that one major factor it's not enough to convince me that twins would be a fantastic idea. Your father on the other hand hasn't stopped dreaming about twins since.

Pray To Keep

2009-05-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

Mar. 5, 2009

I've been trying really hard not to put too much thought into the fact that there is the beginnings of a baby growing inside of me. If I don't think too much about it then I won't get too excited. If I don't get too excited then I can't be overly disappointed if I miscarry again. But every night just before I slip away into my slumber I close my eyes and I ask God if I can keep you this time. Only time will tell my little one but until that day comes I will never stop praying.

Fake Out

2009-05-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Feb. 29, 2009

One of the hardest things to do while you are newly pregnant is hiding it from everyone you know. I am not telling ANYONE this time until I know you are safe. I don't want to jinx it. Call me superstitious, but last time I was shouting it from the roof tops. This time around I'm going to try and be a little more reserved... for now. But this time I have some tricks up my sleeve. Lisa and Chris came over on Friday night for a visit. They always bring wine and we always drink it. But if I were to decline their gift of wine they would know in an instant that something was different. So I bought de-alcoholised wine at the grocery store that night, brought it home and poured myself a glass to sip on. When Lisa and Chris arrived I appeared to be already into the "hooch". The icing on the cake was Lisa rubbing my belly and saying "you're drinking wine so, no baby?" I couldn't help myself, I laughed and said, "nope" and tried to contain my inner glee.

The next night was Auntie Annie's and Uncle Mike's engagement party where everyone was offering me something alcoholic to drink. And this time all I had to say was "no thank you, Kevin and I are TRYING, so to be on the safe side I'm not drinking" So of course as soon as you tell family that you are trying to have a baby they all swarm you with hugs and cheers of excitement. Although I did grab your father's champagne to hold it up during a toast so I didn't look like I was being the sister in law who disproved of their relationship and your over protective father grabbed it out from my hand and said "What are you doing!?" "I need to hold a drink up for the toast you nerd" I replied. "Shheeeeesh relax" But of course Papa just happened to be standing beside me and witnessed the whole thing. So he either thinks that I'm pregnant or that your Daddy is a controlling jerk. I'm betting on the first.

Bathroom Dancing

2009-05-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

Feb. 24, 2009

I could not sleep a wink last night. I tossed and turned, and checked the clock every 30 minutes hoping it was morning. It was like I was six years old again waiting for Santa to come and hide presents for me under the tree.

Finally my alarm went off and I made sure to stay calm and take my temperature before even stepping a foot out of my warm bed. I decided that if my temperature went down that morning that I would not devastate myself with another negative pregnancy test. But my temperature was still at a steady 98.5 degrees! I jumped out of bed as quietly as possible in my elated state so not to wake your father, grabbed a test kit and locked myself in the bathroom. I dipped my stick for the 4th time this month and stopped breathing while I waited to see the stripes appear.

There was only one stripe. I took a breath... decided to stop staring and brush my teeth while waiting the full 3 minutes that I was instructed to wait. I hopped around in one spot while humming a happy tune to myself in hopes to distract myself while I busily brushed my teeth but no use! I had to look! I took a deep breath and stepped over to the tiny white and blue strip that sat on the side of my bath tub and took a quick peak.

TWO STRIPES! Two stripes, oh my God, two stripes! I'm pregnant! I'm PREGNANT! Oh God, I can't breath. Breath! I started to jump up and down yelling "YES! yes!" and then some more "OH my Gods" and then some more dancing on the spot. Then the tears came. Then the historical laughter. And after about 5 minutes of rejoicing to myself I remembered your father in the next room sleeping away and having no idea about the party going on in the bathroom. So I quickly grabbed the little white stick for evidence and hopped off to the bedroom, jumped on the bed while shaking your father awake and said "Kevin wake up!"

He popped up startled as though something must be wrong and then I felt guiltily enough to hesitate for a extremely brief moment before shouting "I'm pregnant" He rolled over quick to look at me and check to see if I was kidding when he saw the stick and the stupid grin that reached from ear to ear across my face. He smiled and said "You're pregnant again?!" And grabbed me to hug me. And that's when I started to cry again.

Late Again!

2009-04-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

Feb. 21, 2009

I woke up Saturday morning feeling like a pile of doggy poop. I didn't eat enough the night before because I had a stomach ache and then thought that the consumption of some red wine would make me feel better. After all, I just peed on a stick the night before. It told me that all my wild attempts at conception hadn't been a success. So why not have a glass or two of wine. Because it makes me feel like poop that's why!

I was parched and decided to get up for a glass of ice cold water and expected to have the unwelcomed discomfort of cramps to go along with the poopy feeling. Nothing? I'm never late. How can there be nothing? So I went to the lou and checked. There really was nothing. So I waited. All day. And still nothing.

The next morning I woke up again and waited to notice the cramps that I thought MUST be coming and yet again... nothing. Odd. But I've peed on 3 sticks! All of which whom told me I was indeed without child. How could there be nothing? Not even a sign of it! 3 days passed me by and still no sign of my friend Scarlett. She was still a no show. And all this time I had still been taking my basal body temperature which was still in the high 98 degree marks. So I went to my informer Alicia. She gave me the look of - OH MY GOD! then said "Take another TEST!" Still unsure I decided to Google it. Turns out that if your basal body temperature remains at a high temperature for more then 18 days there is a very good chance that you have the beginnings of a baby growing in your belly.

I froze. Could it be? Is it possible? But I took 3 tests! However I took them in the evening and apparently it's best to do it first thing in the morning when I have the highest concentration of hormones built up. Oh my god! I could be pregnant! I might be pregnant Poppy! God I hope so! Hold your breath, I'll let you know the results tomorrow morning.

Crazy Babies

2009-04-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

WOW, today I found out what my future children will look like or so the web site Make Me Babies tells me anyway. And um... well I would say that I will adore my children no matter what they look like and in this case even if my children look like young cannibalistic animal abusers I will love them unconditionally. But... yikes.

Tagged?

2009-04-28T06:10:00.001-07:00

This is something that totally falls off of the theme of this blog but I've been tagged and I've decided to do something out of the ordinary and actually play along.

Rules:

*Mention the person that tagged you. - The lovely Tara at What She Really Wants tagged me.
* Complete the lists of 8's.
* Tag 8 blogger friends, go tell them you tagged them...

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. The day that Kevin finally decides that he's man enough to propose to me!
2. The renovation of my disastrous, disorderly, mind numbing, energy sucking, eye sore of a KITCHEN!
3. Cooking in my new kitchen.
4. Peeing on a sick and having two pink lines show up.
5. Doing the happy dance with my two pink lined pee stick.
6. Losing the back fat I gained over the winter.
7. Watching my tulips bloom.
8. Walking out onto my back porch on a dewy Sunday morning to smell the Lilacs blooming and the morning dove cooing as I sit to enjoy my morning coffee.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Lay on a beach in Venice Italy with a pitcher of Sangria, a great book, and my man.
2. Dance naked in the rain without having the cops called on me.
3. Play ANY sport well.
4. Eat anything I want, when ever I want and NEVER have to pay the consequences.
5. Get married and make lots of babies.
6. Take a two month vacation, rent an RV and discover my own country!
7. Build a giant log cabin on the lake and live with nature.
8. Own a summer house in Tuscany where I could do nothing but drink fine Italian wine, eat fine Italian food and paint to my hearts content.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. How I met your Mother
2. The New Adventures of Old Christine
3. Two and a Half Men
4. Pushing Daisies
5. Weeds
6. True Blood
7. Lost
8. Fringe

1. Future Moma, 2. Dabe To Dream 3. MyBrownBaby 4. Time With Tasha 5. Oh Happy Day 6. The Daily Life of Me 7. Efen - prowung 8. Restyled Home

If you've already played, disregard or send me a link so I can come see your list!

Silly Boy

2009-04-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it that a man LOVES to practice baby making but when that actual time comes to perform the real thing he cowers and hides in the corner?, or in my case he pretends he's sleeping. SLEEPING! Please, like that's going to stop me from getting what I want. I am a woman on a mission! Although I will admit there is something very discomforting about forcing yourself on an unwilling man. But I'm not fazed by it. I will succeed. Oh yes, I will. I have a secret weapon. He will succumb to me and he will be powerless against it. Whaa ha ha ha!

Would You Eat Your Own Placenta?

2009-04-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

I like to consider myself a pretty open minded individual most of the time. Maybe once I'm a mom I'll close my mind off slightly to certain options and become more of a tight ass but I'm sure I'll do it for the most part to protect my children. However I am not yet a mother and still have fairly loose cheekies. So to speak. TODAY, my so called open mindedness was severely challenged! And I am DIEING to know what other people think.

So today I was reading an article on Baby Center and my mind is in a whirl. I had heard here and there, mostly in jokes or from funny movies that I never once thought to take serious , about "eating the placenta" after birth. Never once did it occur to me that people actually did this. That is until I read Momformation this morning. Kristina Sauerwein, the author of the blog talks about a woman who cooked up her placenta using recipes found at this disturbingly creepy blog known only as the Log Blog: Placenta Party.

I can't eat lamb or veal because they are babies. And I restrict my meat consumption to chicken and fish because I want to be responsible for as few deaths as possible but I've eaten things like blood pudding and Jellied Pigs Brain, not of my own free will of course BUT I ate it! I can not fathom eating my own placenta let alone someone Else's! I just can't wrap my brain around it. So I can't help but ponder the question have any of you eaten it or thought about it? And if so, did you do it with the belief that it would help restore postpartum hormone levels or did you have another reason for doing so? And for curiosity's sake did you have to drink yourself into a stupor like I would have to in order to dice up my own placenta and season it just so? Or did you coax someone else into cooking it for you? Please tell me your experience I am suddenly compelled to find out more about this subject.

Photo courtesy of BayBlab

A Painting

2009-04-03T11:55:00.001-07:00

Hormones are bloody brutal! One minute I think I'm perfectly sane and the next minute I'm sobbing at a car commercial. It became obvious that I'm a little out of wack when the thought of having someone visit me makes me shake in distress. So I decided to calm myself and self medicate by painting. I dedicate it to you Poppy. One day when you are born I shall hang it in your room. And you'll know that I loved you long before you arrived.

Clueless

2009-03-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Jan. 22, 2009

Um, WOW! I'm confused. So charting my temperature isn't as easy as one might think. As it turns out there's a whole lot of rules to taking your temperature! I'm supposed to be in a restful slumber for at least 3 hours before my temperature should be taken, then once I wake from my slumber I can only make the slightest movement to grab the thermometer and place it in my mouth. All of which has to be done at the exact same time every morning. Then I have to get up and check mucus and uterus placement... things I will not indulge you in. Just be happy with the fact that you don't know what I'm talking about and you don't want to. To top it all off I'm supposed to be looking for a "dip" in my temperature. After the dip there should be a "jump" in my temperature which means I have ovulated. Well I had the "dip" but not "jump"! My temperature dropped about .5 degrees but then it went right back to it's normal spot at 97.7 degrees. So what does that mean!? Did I ovulate? Or did my room just get really cold? I'm going to be honest here... I'm a little lost.

Basal What?

2009-03-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Jan. 14, 2009

I bought a basal body temperature thermometer! I realise how strange that must sound. I can't tell you how excited I am about it though. You see if I chart my temperature I can see exactly when I am ovulating and therefore should be able to know the days that I am most fertile! That means I have more control over this waiting game. I hate waiting. Only I have no idea what I am doing. That's a damper. But no worries, I shall figure it out!