You're Fat

June 12

There are a few really dense men out there. For some reason these few men think that when a woman is pregnant it gives them free licence to comment on their weight gain. MOST men know better then to EVER even dare tell a pregnant woman she's fat. But of course there are the odd few who ate lead paint chips in their youth and never did get back those couple thousand brain cells they killed off.

There is one man in particular that I know. He supervises the maintenance staff in my office building. The fist time I realised he was one of the unlucky few to have 0 common sense with women was when I walked into the building one day and he approached me arching his back as far as it would go, filled his cheeks with air like he was a blow fish, and walked towards me as if he may have shoved a large pickle up his rear end. From what I gathered he was trying to make fun of the fact that I had a belly and was trying to tell me I was fat without using any logical words.

I didn't laugh at him like he was hoping I would, rather, I stared at him as though there must have been a large monkey hanging off his back that was throwing it's own feces at him. I continued walking towards my office without uttering a word.

You see if he was smart he would have understood by my reaction that I wasn't overly amused by his mockery. But of course that must have been asking too much because today he came to me and said "You're looking different lately" "oh ya?" I replied. "Ya" he said "It must be because your fat". Nice, i thought to myself. "OH, that's nice" I said as sarcastically as possible. "Next time, I may punch you in the face. So watch yourself" Woops! did that really come out of my mouth? Yes, Yes i think it did. So munchkin the moral to this story is; if you want to keep your teeth, don't call a pregnant woman fat.

Warning Attached

June 3

 

It would seem to me that there are plenty of things about pregnancy that NO one tells you about. They just let you figure it out on your own. Pregnancy should come with a list of warnings.

 

Warning!: Your butt will enlarge to twice it's normal size. The bum cheeks may or may not rub together due to the abnormal size, which may or may not cause chaffing. Keep a tube of chap stick near by in case chaffing becomes to unbearable.

 

Thighs may take on an unnatural size. You may notice them starting to touch. If they become too close for comfort you may find a dash of baby powder useful to discourage any unsightly thigh sweat.

 

Legs, knees, and butt cheeks will undoubtedly become riddled with a dimply cottage cheese effect. Do not be alarmed by this. You are packing on fat to store away for when your breasts start to produce milk. This cottage cheese effect is known as cellulite.

 

The area between your shoulder and your elbow will start to swell. You will notice that area becoming very unflattering to your overall physic. Do not wave your arms about if you do not like the idea of your arms jiggling like chicken fat on a windy day. Long sleeves are recomended.

 

Once your breasts engorge to 3 times their natural size you may notice that they often get in the way of your normal every day activities. They will start to rest on your stomach when you sit down or sloutch. This sensation is not the most appealing. A large amount of cream under each breast will stop them from rubbing abrasivly against the skin of your baby bump.

 

There is a relativly good chance that pimples will invade your once pretty skin. And no, we are not just talking about your facial area. No skin is safe from an acene attack. Your chest, forehead, chin, back, thighs and bum may all become victems to this evil. I have no suggestions to remedy this ailment other then to invest in plenty of concealer.

 

I've heard that a woman's hair becomes full, beautiful, bouncy and lustrous when pregnant. This is a vicious lie. SOME women may be so lucky, most will have limp, dull, and relatively average hair that will grow far faster then any hair dresser could possibly keep up with.

 

When having your picture taken you may want to keep in mind to tilt your head slightly up and to the side. This will give the illusion that you have not developed a double chin because trust me YOU WILL. It will be barley noticeable to you when you are applying your make up in the morning but heed this warning, much to your horror it WILL show up in pictures.

 

You may find body hair growing in areas that were once void of hair. Due to the fact that that area is normally void of body hair it may go unnoticed until one day out of the blue that hair gets so long it becomes entangled in your telephone cord while you are having a friendly chat with your best friend. Yank it out right away! Do not let that unwelcome visitor feel welcome in it's new home on your neck!

 

That is enough terrifying information for now. More warnings to come in the near future.