The Hardest Part

Jan. 1, 2009

It's been 5 nights since we lost you. Everyone is being so kind and helpful these past few days. I'm mostly ok with everything that has happened. I still miss you terribly but I understand that my body knew that you were not developing properly and it was best that we start over. So i have to trust in that and look on the bright side. Now I know I can get pregnant. We were able to see how excited everyone was for your arrival. We know now with out any doubt that we want to be parents more then anything, and I can get through the worst of it and still come up on the positive side of things.

Your father took me to Toronto to a beautiful hotel for fun where we met up with a bunch of our friends but I was too far away from my comfort zone to really enjoy myself. I didn't really feel like shopping or walking about the city. I just wanted to be safe and warm in my room away from people, away from conversation. But the night turned out to be pretty good after all. You father watched me closely to make sure I wouldn't suddenly get emotional and fall apart and we were both surprised by the end of the night when I was laughing and joking with everyone and generally enjoying myself despite our recent loss of you. I guess I just needed to be around friends who cared.

Near the end of the night your daddy told me that the hardest part about losing you was all the thoughts and dreams he built up in his head for our lives with you. He said the thoughts were still there only you were not and that was hard to deal with. He's right of course. That really is the hardest part.


Crystal said...

I hope that each day gets better.

Kiki said...

Thank you, and each day has gotten better. So much better. I wrote all this down as it was happening to me and only recently decided to share it with others. Maybe it will help someone else who's gone through it too. But I think it helps me the most.

tara said...

i'm so sorry for your loss, kiki. big hugs to you, from across the interwebs.

Kiki said...

Thank you Tara. Hugs are great no matter what shape or form they come in. ;)

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