A Vision of You

Dec. 29, 2008

I don't think I can write this. I am so sad and empty feeling at this moment. I went into labor really early and we lost you Saturday night. I guess we just aren't ready to meet you yet pumpkin. Although the whole night was really painful I remember it all with such clarity and I will hold onto the image you sent me just before I realized I was about to lose you.

I was so frightened and upset. The pain was getting worse and tears were rolling down my face as the realization sunk in that you may not make it through the night. And suddenly a flash of a vision popped into my head. It was like a day dream and it was over almost as fast as it came. But I will never forget it for as long as I live. It was me. I was happy, so ridiculously happy. The Sun was shining brightly I think because there was bright light everywhere. I had a massive smile on my face and I was laughing. In my arms being held above my head looking down at me and giggling was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in a stripped jumper. And the words "Beautiful, healthy baby" ran through my head at that exact moment. And then the vision was gone. But as it left a feeling of warmth and calm came over me with a rush of heat and I knew that this was not the last time I would feel your presence. That you would come back to me one day.

So I held onto that vision for hours until the pain went away. And I was able to rest through the night. But this morning I woke up and I feel so alone. So sad and so alone. I miss you Poppy. I miss you so much.


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