The Hormones Have Taken Control

June 6

The Hormones have taken control of my mind. I lost control over my body months ago but I had continued hope up until about a week ago, that my mind would remain mine. Recent behaviours of my own doing have since told me otherwise.

My mood of late is tolerant to say the least. I'm mellow at best but always I feel the tinge of intolerance nestling in just behind my nerves waiting for any given reason to strike at unknowing bystanders. Mostly your daddy is prey to this intolerance. The problem with that is that he knows it and pokes at the very nerve where the intolerance is now making it's home. It's almost as though he enjoys watching the fragile calm crack at the seams letting the nastiness within lash out, claws bared and launching fangs first at his neck. I've apologised to him a few times now for my emotional state and he's comforted my by admitting that he's been provoking it.

I'm sure you're eager to hear examples of my craziness and why wouldn't you be. I'd make fun of me too if I wasn't certain I'd start sobbing and ruin the carefully put together mask of happiness I applied for everyone else's benefit.

Let's see, well one day your daddy decided to power wash the back deck to make it look fresh and new again. After he was done he rearranged my carefully put together deck, plants, furniture, lanterns and all. As he did so he also took away a few of the things that I loved the most stating that he disliked them. One of those things being this beautiful black rod iron bird cage with a pot full of morning glories that I had seeded and was nurturing to grow around the cage bars. He riped out my vines from the root and placed the cage off to the side to be discarded.

Very proud of his achievements for the day, he came to get me to show off the new deck, unbeknownst to him the raging sea of emotions festering just below the surface of my happy facade. I took one look at the things he tossed aside and my pretty plant riped and dieing in the shade and totally lost sight of the beautiful and newly cleaned deck. All I could think of is "He ruined ONE more thing of mine" (your daddy breaks all my pretty things. It's a talent of his).

Suddenly the fangs came out. I felt them with a fury that I hadn't expected to arise so abruptly. I quickly took a deep breath, spun around on my heal and walked away, but not before he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Oh oh... Hold it in. Just hold it." I thought to myself. He questioned my abrupt departure. I quickly muttered something about ruining the plant that I had grown from seed and was really excited about simply because he didn't like my bird cage and bolted inside the house before I exploded all over the newly cleaned deck.

I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a scrub brush and some cleaner and decided to take out all the rage on the bath tube tiles. It didn't really work. I sobbed to myself the entire time all the while wondering if I was actually upset about my plant. How could I be this upset over a plant? But I was. I was beyond upset. And I remained that way the entire day. Constantly on the verge of tears and ready at any given moment to vomit the horrid anger within on anyone who dared test me.

It only subsided when finally your father told me to "snap out of it" and I did just that. I SNAPPED! Every nasty thought I had that day came bursting out of my ugly mouth. He stood there and took it all with grace and suddenly it was like 62 pounds had been lifted off of me and I felt fantastic! The intolerance subsided and crawled back to it's cozy corner behind my nerves where it slept and rested up for the next new day to come.

Today's lesson is, walk on glass when your in the presence of an emotionally unstable pregnant woman.