Just Let Me Love You

No matter how many people try to terrify me with horror stories of birth and pain, and no matter what way they attempt to convince me the pain is unbearable, that I'm crazy for wanting a natural birth, I have NO fear of labour. Labour will probably be the most natural thing I have ever done. It's what my body was made to do. It does not frighten me in the least. I am however afraid of the after math.

I'm afraid of the engorging of my breasts, the cracking and bleeding of my nipples, the pain and discomfort my poor little crotch will have to endure long after the birth, the sleeplessness, the constant barrage of people stopping by unannounced, the lack of privacy people will feel the need to give me, the constant questions and unnecessary advice everyone will offer, the need to smile when I'm uncomfortable and tired, the insensitive people who will swipe you out of my arms because they want to hold you and worst of all the possibility of postpartum depression.

I'm not the type of person who enjoys people stopping by when ever they are in the neighborhood. It stresses me. I need time to tidy up, make sure I have refreshments, remove the dog hair from everything, and mentally prepare myself to give up the plans that I had made for my day. I'm so bad with it that if someone knocks at my door without me having knowledge of anyone stopping by I will not answer the door. I won't. I'll even go to such measures as to jump in the shower so I have a reason for not answering the door. Your mommy may have some issues she needs to work out. But with what all my mom friends have been telling me I should expect plenty of people to stop by when ever they please despite my discomfort. One friend even told me that her in laws practically moved in for 2 weeks after her baby was born and it pushed her into a slight depression because all she wanted was privacy and some bonding time with her daughter. But no one seemed to care. They convinced themselves that they were being helpful. That terrifies me. I'm not as nice as that girl. I will, if sleep deprived enough, kick everyone out in a fit of tears and nastiness. Your mommy also cries when she's frustrated or over tired. Your father will be horrified if that occurs but if he's smart he'll make sure to keep people visits to a minimum before I snap.

I need 3 days. 3 days after you are born of peace, of alone time, of silence to adjust to my new life, the new demands on my body, and to just enjoy my new family. Not to mention sleep! I will want as much sleep as possible the few days after you are born. I have a really good feeling you will come in the dead of the night and I will have NO sleep for days. I also have a feeling that I will be in labor for 18 hours. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling. But I'm ready for it. I have seasons 1 and 2 of Pushing Daises ( A TV show that makes me happy and giddy), Meditation exercises, candles to calm me, burning oils to sooth my senses, positions to bring me relief, and a Douala to teach your daddy to keep me focused and happy. Yet I have no solution for all the things that will come after you are born.

One day at a time. I will just have to take a deep breath and take each challenge as it comes and deal with them as they come. Hopefully everyone will know to give me space to breath, rest and adjust. I'll be honest with you pumpkin, I don't think I will want to share you. You're daddy my have to pry you from my very unwilling arms. I've carried you around in the warmth of my body for almost a year, I've felt your every move, dreamed a million dreams, I haven't been with out you once since the day you were conceived. I'm fairly certain the idea of you not touching my flesh will be a horrible pain that I will have to learn to withstand. I am about to become painfully aware of why a mother will go to grave extremes to keep her children safe and happy. I imagine it to be very much like the tale of the grizzly bear and her cubs. I love you so much all ready. I can barely stand to imagine the immediate engorgement of love and fear I will feel when you are in my arms for the very first time. Bring on the labor, hold the aftermath of all the things I can not control. Just let me love you.


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