Always At Your Side

20 Weeks

I can't be positive, but I"m pretty sure you and I hit a milestone today. You fell asleep in my arms while I fed you tonight, just like every night, only tonight when I went to place you in your crib and tuck you in you woke up. So I turned on your little Fisher Price Aquarium, gave you your soother and let you try to fall asleep on your own. It took you about 45 minutes but eventually you did it! I was so proud of you. You didn't even cry once. I went in to check on you 3 times to give you a little cuddle and put your soother back in your mouth. You tried to pull my glasses off of my face and squeeze my nose, but you stayed calm and content.

Just as I closed your bedroom door and got ready to settle in for the night you woke up and started to cry. So I went back to check on you, hoping to put your soother back in your mouth and lull you back to sleep but you weren't interested in that. You wanted to be cuddled. I tried to get you to calm down with out taking you out of your crib but your protest became louder and louder and of course I gave in. When you realized I was only going to rock you to sleep the little hell raiser came out. Screams of such volume and magnitude came bursting from your lungs that I'm certain you could have cracked the glass window pane.
Your back arched and arms thrashing about made it difficult to hold you let alone comfort you. Eventually you just wound up making me angry so I laid you back down into your crib and turned on your mobile to calm you. It didn't work. I let you holler it out. You shouted profanities at me, the walls, your aquarium and the blanket but we didn't break. That however did not discourage you.

After 14 minutes I broke. You won. I picked you up and cuddled you under my chin and you calmed down. I laid you back down and you remained calm for 5 minutes or so until you realized again that I expected you to fall asleep. The protests and screams of nastiness commenced once again. Once again I let you yell at me until I couldn't handle it any longer and cuddled you under my chin again. You calmed once again and once again I laid you back down, only this time I rolled you on your side, wrapped you up tight and gave you your soother. Your eyes rolled back into your head, sucked on your soother 3 times and passed out.

Hmmmm I may have to try that again tomorrow. Soon you will be able to fall asleep all by yourself. But I"ll be dammed if I walk away and let you cry for hours on your own to let you learn it by yourself. I'm told that's how you teach a baby to sleep. Sounds like torture to me. How can you leave a baby who can't do anything but suck, poop and cry on it's own, to cry for hours wondering why the only person in the world who he trusts won't come when he calls. What goes through that babies mind when the person it depends on for everything doesn't come when he is in distress? Does he think that that person has left him? That that person is hurt and can't come? Does it think that it's going to die because the only person that can take care of him, isn't coming back? How stressful! The baby doesn't understand. All it knows is that when it calls for it's mom, his mom comes and takes care of him. I can't walk away and let you cry yourself to sleep. I need you to know that I'm there and that even though you're upset I won't leave until you are comfortable. And I hope that you grow up always knowing that I'm here for you. No matter how hard it is, I'm here to hold your hand, to comfort you and to sooth you through the tough parts of life. I will NEVER leave your side.


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